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A reason to live
Mar. 13th, 2011 09:44 pmI have finally gotten a really good camera with 14,1 megapixles and 5x in zoom which is a very good kind of camera. I hope it will be really good proffessional pictures with this one. It is pink in color, It looks really cute, I always have everything in black but this time I choose to have something in another color. My camera was more expensive then my sisters she got a hand bag as well. I dont care much about handbags and shoes. I am more for stuff that will keep me warm, have under my thin jacket when I am walking, biking outside I will be getting some sweaters as well. I must get an passport and a sleeping bag as well. I am finally going to travel to the Goddess temple in Glastonbury, see Stonehenge at Avebury, Holyhead in Anglesy north of Wales and Glamorgan in south of Wales. So I have found cheap trains, hostels. So it will be great. I cant really believe that my dream to travel UK see The magic places in Wales and the south of England is finally coming true. I have yearned for it, dreamed about it. I am going to be so nervous, panicy, so exited and happy at once, I can think about other stuff then my trip, my pilgrimage to Avalon, Glamorgan, Anglesy. I hope I will be able to afford to all of the places. I will most likely celebrate fullmoon in May at glastonbury. YAY. I will travel in May be gone for a week. I know my mum will worry a lot, so I will leave a short message on the cellphone each day tell her that I am alright, better that than her fearing something will happen to me. It doesnt bother me to do that, I have gotten much things from her-clothes, the camera, some pocket money, vaccumcleaner, furniture etc. So it is the least I can do. She is paying it from her inheritance, not everyone would spend the money on their grown up kids like she does with me and my sister. I really appriciate that. I am more able to be myself, stand up for myself so it doesnt feel like she is buying me, my friendship , silence. Yes I do stuff that is strange in her eyes, stuff she isnt interested in but that is life. It is not that I am interested in all that she does, or much she does actually. So I guess it is even. It is the same is with my sister. I am not interested in fashion, shopping like she is either. I do like to shop- but witchystuff, art supplies.
I have talked to The Morrigan about the trip, wanted Her blessing for it and explain that I will go to Ireland the next time. She was ok with it. She said I would be afraid of Her there, on Glastonbury and Anglesey. At first I thought it was weird of Her to say that. But then again it wouldnt surprised me that I would get very anxious and fearful, I get that every now and then. With Her warning me this, I will focus on building up my innerstrength, courage and confidence. And check out everything, have maps and addresses to the hostels, plan the trip, as much as possible, leave room for some spontaneous stuff as well. I have never traveled on my own before, other then to Copenhagen and Norway. Other trips I have been to, is with school- both bakery school and artschool. I feel so happy and exited about that my dream of traveling to Glastonbury, and Wales will become true. I have heard it from Morgana last year in the fall that I would travel to Wales in May, and I was like, yeah right where would get all that money? I had no idea I would get fired, then get some extra vacation money from my last job with the last paycheck. I know some people thinks I should have used it for my debts but it wouldnt make any much difference on that issue. And I need this trip to feeel good. Cause I feel like I have a reason to live, something to look for into, a reason to save money, exercise be healthy and fit instead of dwell in the despair, depression, binging, buy crap I dont really need. I know I sound very drastic and mellow dramatic saying i need to travel to Glastonbury and Wales to wanna live,but there is just not enough stuff in life for me otherwise to live for. My art used to be my everything and it is still a huge part of my life and always will be, but cause of my blockages and that I am not as good as I wanna be yet, it can be very depressing. Cause in a way I am so depressed, so bored and frustrated at myself, at life itself, at my art that it feels like it is too hard to fight the depression, the panic, my illness. So much easier to just give in, let the depression, panic win. Cause on some point I used to feel that i dont give a damm anymore, I had already given up, had already lost the race. But with this trip everything feels better, I am so happy and exited to travel. I will try to not have to high expectation but be logic and such. I wont go to any huge group ritual like stonehenge at summersolstice or the witchfest in aug in glastonbury this year, cause it is often at such places with many people i can get very very disapointed and depressed cause I may not become friends with anyone, then I will feel more alone then ever and wish I never had come there. That pain can be to hard to carry. And I could had spend my money elsewere. So with being on my own like this most of the trip feels better. And less panicy. I will be more calm like this and able to enjoy the trip. It will be a great Goddess retreat and pilgrimage in one. I will still talk to strangers and such, I will just be more relaxed like this. And I am traveling to connect with The Goddesses, my path of life, and my art. I always wanna create and feel inspired when I have been traveling, been outside in the nature with The Goddesses. What the MaleGods thinks of this I dont know, I dont know care, it is none of their buisness. But since my Goddesses clearly wants me to travel I doubt they have any say in it.
I have talked to The Morrigan about the trip, wanted Her blessing for it and explain that I will go to Ireland the next time. She was ok with it. She said I would be afraid of Her there, on Glastonbury and Anglesey. At first I thought it was weird of Her to say that. But then again it wouldnt surprised me that I would get very anxious and fearful, I get that every now and then. With Her warning me this, I will focus on building up my innerstrength, courage and confidence. And check out everything, have maps and addresses to the hostels, plan the trip, as much as possible, leave room for some spontaneous stuff as well. I have never traveled on my own before, other then to Copenhagen and Norway. Other trips I have been to, is with school- both bakery school and artschool. I feel so happy and exited about that my dream of traveling to Glastonbury, and Wales will become true. I have heard it from Morgana last year in the fall that I would travel to Wales in May, and I was like, yeah right where would get all that money? I had no idea I would get fired, then get some extra vacation money from my last job with the last paycheck. I know some people thinks I should have used it for my debts but it wouldnt make any much difference on that issue. And I need this trip to feeel good. Cause I feel like I have a reason to live, something to look for into, a reason to save money, exercise be healthy and fit instead of dwell in the despair, depression, binging, buy crap I dont really need. I know I sound very drastic and mellow dramatic saying i need to travel to Glastonbury and Wales to wanna live,but there is just not enough stuff in life for me otherwise to live for. My art used to be my everything and it is still a huge part of my life and always will be, but cause of my blockages and that I am not as good as I wanna be yet, it can be very depressing. Cause in a way I am so depressed, so bored and frustrated at myself, at life itself, at my art that it feels like it is too hard to fight the depression, the panic, my illness. So much easier to just give in, let the depression, panic win. Cause on some point I used to feel that i dont give a damm anymore, I had already given up, had already lost the race. But with this trip everything feels better, I am so happy and exited to travel. I will try to not have to high expectation but be logic and such. I wont go to any huge group ritual like stonehenge at summersolstice or the witchfest in aug in glastonbury this year, cause it is often at such places with many people i can get very very disapointed and depressed cause I may not become friends with anyone, then I will feel more alone then ever and wish I never had come there. That pain can be to hard to carry. And I could had spend my money elsewere. So with being on my own like this most of the trip feels better. And less panicy. I will be more calm like this and able to enjoy the trip. It will be a great Goddess retreat and pilgrimage in one. I will still talk to strangers and such, I will just be more relaxed like this. And I am traveling to connect with The Goddesses, my path of life, and my art. I always wanna create and feel inspired when I have been traveling, been outside in the nature with The Goddesses. What the MaleGods thinks of this I dont know, I dont know care, it is none of their buisness. But since my Goddesses clearly wants me to travel I doubt they have any say in it.
