camillanightshade

Living with a cat have been awesome for me. Having a reason to get up in the morning. Someone that needs me. Picasso my Little baby was so needy, such a rascal. He Always made me smile. I was more into cleaning up, fixing stuff here. Of course he was annoying with biting me, hard to paint, do anything with him around. But it was so Worth it to have him here. Picasso has gotten a wonderful home on the countryside with in a small house, where he gets much bigger Place then I have to roam on, and there is a Little garden and he gets a new kitty friend. The couple who has him now, are home all Days retired from work so he gets as much attention that I gave him. The first Days were awful for me without him. I cried so much felt he must have thought I abandonen him. I hated my self and my shitty Life even more. It was awful that I dont have a bigger Place or no financial possibilities to have a cat. I am happy that Picasso is happy in his new home. I have a new kitty to take care of, She is about 5-6 years old. Very shy and afraid I cant touch her, come near her. She lived at the past home for 3-4 years but they didnt involve themselves in the cats. And shy scared cats needs to be socialized learn that all humans arent out to get them. It is a shame that those people didnt bother to make her more tame social. I mean she may never be a lapcat, but Learning her that some humans are nice, and enjoy being touched petted a Little bit they should have done. It will be my job now. She may be a stubbern Little kitty, but I am patient and are more stubbern. I really I will make it. She black with White chest, on paws and in the face. So adorable. Perhaps one day she will be sleeping in my arms, or atleast next to me, or Wakes me up in the morning for cuddle.

The past years depression and panicattacks have been hard and I felt like I have nothing less to live for- I cant travel no Money with so much debts it will take atleast 3-5 years Before I can afford travel again, that is like forever for someone as impatient as me. With my foot being still injured since september although I had pain from july when it got damaged. So life really sucks, I cant exercise,I cant bike or do much yoga. About a few weeks I will be able to do yoga and biking. I cant walk much, but it is getting better, it just take so long time, I have been binging a bit, I fear I wont be thin until next summer. My artcareer is more or less a complete failure. I had given up the struggle I dont Think I will be traveling for a very long time, No theraphy can change that, change the way Life is. It is hard to accept Life as it is. I have cursed the gods, my Life, this awful fate Destiny thousands of times the over the years. Been very suicidal from time to time. So yeah my Life sucks as it usually does. So bad at times I dont get why others struggle so hard to survive and settle for that. Oh well that is up to them, for me it is no Point in living with illness, live just to survive. be happy accept being poor no ability to travel, shopping alot. Not being able to exercise, not even Walking in the nature, very slow progress in getting better at art. Mindfulness is making it better for me to endure the suffering, this pointless Life. It is much also easier to deal with my issues. I feel I have trouble with getting involved in things like I am in a apathical mode at times. Were I feel nothing. It is just dark. it is pretty Close to mindfulness. I accept Life as it is. I accept my failures, my short comings, my limitations. I dont Believe The Gods Goddesses will make my Life much better. I guess it is hard for everybody, it is just painful to Think that 10-12 years ago when I was christo pagan I was just as miserable as I have been the past years. And for 6 years ago. I realize now it was too much to ask for from The Gods a full recovery from my illness which are chronical-depression anxiety panic attacks. I just dont deserve happiness, success it feels like it is so much struggle, so much pain. And no it certainly isnt Worth it. If the rituals and meditation being Close to the Goddesses didnt made me feel alive and well for just awhile I wouldnt do it. I love doing rituals and magic and Walking outdoors. I so hope and prey that I will be able to walk much soon. But it may not be Before spring.

The treatment at the hospital I had is over. The shrink say that they have no treatments for me at the other clinic. She dont see what I have as treatable meaning no meds no theraphy will help me more then what the yoga and mindfulness and exercise can. I cant say that I miss it. I know they cant help me, I know talking theraphy dont help much, neither does medication cause nothing can help one not feeling like a failure a loser, that ones Life is a complete failure. The shrink adviced me to get back to exercise and focus on getting a job i can handle. Then I wouldnt feel so miserable about Life. And continue with the mindfulness and yoga. I am doing all that and working on my art. It will feel better when I can exercise start loosing weight again. I am working on my art have made Goddess Morrigan Oracle guidance cards from the channelings I and Jen made the past years. There are much there that I had forgotten. I Think that it will help me alot, make me better and healthier. Now I have my new Little baby to care for. And on saturdays I will be Selling cat calenders for the catrescue organisation where I got the kitty from. I have gotten bags of food, sand and toys for her. And having a kitty to care for is the best way to stop me from commit suicide. Cause I would never ever abandonen a cat, or Another animal cause they are so depending on me, the person they live with. If feel I should keep trying get theraphy please try to understand that it feels humiliating to seek theraphy and being rejected over and over.

I havent written for a few weeks. Much cause of inner turmoil. Using the mindfulness is and will be very good one when my issues arent that bad. I am doing it twice a day cause the painful thoughts and emotions are so hard to deal with -the anxiety and panic issues. It is more manageble then to live and do stuff. The theraphy is triggering at times. Only 4 more Days of it, it ends at the 4 nov and then I will be seeing a shrink. Then they decide what further treatment i will get. I just wanna be free, get away from there. Once free I will never return. I dont feel free when I have to go there. But since it is volontairly so I am still free. Sometimes the rage is boiling in me and I prefere to not be there then. I supress it. Nothing I have Heard there isnt something I havent Heard or already knew. And the other Girls there are on medications I am not. I dont seem to be more sick then them more likely the opposite so my statement that medications is useless stands for itself. Or it can be that they are more sick then me and I with magic, rituals, yoga and now mindfullness get the same effect as they with medications. I also see why theraphysts shrinks sees me as quite healthy if I dont mention alot about my panicattacks suicidal thoughts. But it is nice to meet others who has the same issues as me. It is possible that some of them will continue have Contacts after the theraphy is over, if they want to be with me or not I dont know.

As Always when dealing with my issues a long time. I start to think that I have been way to kind, to sub´messive to other people especially those who has harmed me badly, I should have cursed them all. Make them suffer as I suffer. What good do I get for being such a good obediant witch. In this cruel Life people just walk all over you abuse you. To hell with them. Accepting Life as it is, accepting reality as it is hard, accepting ones limitations is so bad. How can anyone live like that and not wishing they were dead. Cause accepting Life as it is, accepting ones limitations is the same as giving up, cause one cant accept and struggle to get better, struggle to reach goals. But I hope I am very wrong. It will take a long time before i the anxiety panic anger issues are solved but with mindfulness and yoga i am getting there,

I am sorry if I sounded odd or strange, sick in my last post. I didn't mean to be callous I care deeply about my friends and family, I just have trouble knowing what to say at times. The stones for schizophrenia are awesome. I feel more clear in my head. I will cast circle before communing with gods, do more banishing cleansing. I have a new Facebook account for rp, so far no one wanna at. Sadness. I am just feeling aloof now, did a mayor healing ritual or more likely I beseeched the Lady to help me deal with my shadows of the past. I love the goddess so much. I am grateful for support in fighting my inner demons.

Okay, okay I have been eating sandwiches, a piece of chocolate today. At Friday I had 2 pieces of cake and a piece of chocolate when my aunt and onkel came and visited. I allowed myself to eat and have coke cause i have lost 20 lbs(9kg. I can have one size smaller in leggings and tops/t shirts. Earlier it was XXL now it is XL. So it is a good start. I feelo awful that I have eaten so much one shouldnt eat when is dieting although comparing to my old eating it is very little. But tomorrow I will work very very hard at the gym. Now it is enough with celebrating-eating or feeling eating/drinking. Now It is just sytrict diet until I reach 90kg then after that to 70kg which is my goal. It is a long way until i get to 90kg. But I will make it. I am concerned of the stuff Cernunnus triggers cause they make everything harder. It is lovely I wanna be outdoors, I wanna exercise at the gym and that is what i am gonna focus on. It is just hard to even get outside. This is a bad time to triggered cause now it is much worse if I dont go outside. Feeling like I am waisting away the summer. The need to go out in the sun is strong. I realize others may not see it like that. They may see it as a good time for me to be triggered with the voices, hallucinations panicattacks cause my will to exercise and walk in the forest, paint in the forest is what drives me further, it is at its peak the strongest now. But to see the anxiety issues, be tormented by the hallucinations voices as something good. No way. But sure it can be seen as a way of me getting back my powers, taking charge of my life. Being in controle although the insanity with voices and hallucinations are all from abuse rules me, but I fight it. All these pressure gives me so much anxiety panic so triggers these hmm dont expect me to grateful or happy for it. Cause I hate it and I hate you. Cause it isnt too much to ask to have a few years without pain misery, no cruel gods who think they know whats best for me pushing things up to surface over and over. At the end of the road not many gods is going to be there, It will be very few I follow. Some of them cant leave me soon enough.

In a way I have already given up. It feels like it is never ever gonna be better the gods are just cruel, triggering pushing me. But nothing ever really get better. Perhaps it can work with Cernunnus cause he sure is hard enough to do it, and dont care enough to bother about how I feel. Perhaps joy and happiness is nothing I am allowed to have a longer time. Who decides that? Who decides how much joy, fun, happiness I am allowed to have? I am screwed. I dont care about what they say or do. I live my life as I wish. If it bothers any of them, screw em. Just leave me alone.

Now at saturday, I have begun to feel worse again. I have gotten my period too, done some healing and banishing as well. I have spoken to Morgana Lady of Avalon about it. Cause I realize this thing with Cernunnus is something that will come back. I saw it a little bit last year. But it wasnt so violent. it worse this year or more likely I am in the core of it. It seems like Cernunnus is trying help me like this. That is sweet, but the pain, voices, panicattacks it causes me, well... I never asked for this, i never wanted this. It is a nightmare. But I will take a few weeks now build myself up again. I dont see this as a neccessarry part of my life, journey. It is more like a torture where he enjoys harming me. Okay I did managed to fight pretty good, but since he seem to be undestructable. it ends with him chases me to death. After this even if I may have gotten away. I am shaking, panicing the voices are so bad. For that he deserves nothing but my hate and anger.

It is seems like powermagic and being out in the sun helps. It is just hard to get out when I feel like this. I feel worser those days. Ignoring those visions fantasies where we faught is impossible. I will break free, I will be free from this tyrant. I hope to be free from the voices and panicattacks as well one day. It is hard to suffer this much. So when people say like a healthy life one life to hundred, i am like eh i dont wanna suffer like this for more then 60 years, hell no. I rather drop dead right away. but as always I have no say in my own life about that. just accept the pain, voices, anxiety panicattack issues. So sick. I suppose that when Cernunnus feel it is enough he let me kill the demons. I would loose my fears, anxiety then. That sounds good, but to get there, all this struggle may not be neccessarry. It may be just some twisted fun for him to torment me like this. That sounds more logic, then this is only way for me to heal. Yes I have much rage within. I do enjoy watching stupid shows like charmed ones and angel, cause of the figths, fighting demons. It is nice so it is not that far Cernunnus may use the shape of a demon if he want me to fight for my life. Cause it is pretty far from sparring. Even with odin who usually kicks me down quickly i know all the time it is just for fun. mostly anyway. It very rare. It is most fun to spar with The Morrigan cause She is so wonderful and afterwards we roll around on the grass and just laugh. She hugs me tight. It was hard to fight with loki he flirts so much and I got distracted by he pretty face all the time. So I suppose i dont learn anything there, I cant help it. That amuses Loki alot. Why not who doesnt like someone who follow you like a dog... With Cernnnus in this roleplay as demon there is no time to be distracted and he is brutal, ugly and really mean. I suppose it would be better if I could manage to get calm enough to talk to him afterwards or a few days later. And if the frickin voices and panicattacks would stop accelerate. They werent effected, hopefully one day it will happen.

I am so annoyed. My plans are being ruined all the time. I dont have patience with annoying people. The bus didnt come so i could get to the woodlands. They are working on the roads at the nearby city. So it is hard to get there without the bus. I will go to other nature places next week. I just have no patience for when my plans get ruined. When other people are causing it i get furious. I dont care if My anger is justified or not. I know it doesnt help to get pissed , angry. That is the way it is. The new little furball Lancelot is much joy for me. I have been catsitting him à couple of now. He is so fun to watch. So sweet that my anger and frustration melts away. We find him little to alone many hours in row. We are teaching him that little by little. That doesnt bother me so much to watch over him. Way worser when others ruin my plans like job i have gotten 2 hours a week. For à mentally disabled woman. She is like toddler or less even if she is over 40. She really take more patience to handle than i have. It is annoying to be working at all. I wanna write alot about her, nothing positive. It is mean cause she cant help it. It isnt fault, i am just not fit for that. I have much more patience for animals. I have applyied for jobs as dogcaregiver. Dogwalker, that would be great to get. This week it has been à lesson of patience and controle anger. It really gets to me to not have sweets.

So what can I do to be more strong, powerful incharge of my life. Shape myself, live my own life.

Stand up for myself at all times

Do chakra yoga even i it is much pain, I get stronger after a few months.

Continue the avalon healing. so happy new meditation healing on sunday these past two weeks it has been about confronting the darkness, the destructive parts of my facing my shadowself. it is five different meditation five stages of healing cycle, it shifts every two weeks.

I could also do more magic, build myself up that way, connect to Her like that. I so miss the Goddess. I can use that space too be stronger.

Work on my art, but not all the time do what Cernunnus or Lugh wants, do my own thing as well. It really isnt all about them. It is my art, my life. This may sound ungrateful but I really i am tired of being silent, be a good girl, submessive do as they wish. Really it doesnt take me anywhere, It is just going in circles. Meaning my pain, illness wont go away, I dont get any success. The only one that are happy are They, but i suppose that is the important thing right. I know it is me who is the problem, has the issues. I just have trouble with living as submessive, be as they want me, it makes me binging and passive. That is how I see it anyway. Or maybe I have gotten the old feelings i once had with Michael and I have had with other gods as well that I am unable to live life alone, i need/want someone to take care of me. Cause I cant take care of myself. And I attract those that wants to take care of me. I suppose I could still be friends with them even if I am not submessive.

I do feel much rage, especially when stuff dont go my way, when people are being mean to me, push me around. Also when people wants more from me then I am able to give.

I get way to easy crushed stuff, I need to be better at protect myself. So I wont be so easily broken. I need to do more effort to get healthy if I get more sick i get more medications that will make me gain weight. It is hard to walk much now, all the hours in gym are sometimes a waiste. I shouldnt give up so easy. If I could just stop eating sugar as She wants it would be easier next i crave I will pray to Her, do some yoga. Hoping I remember it.

It is almost year since my old buddy, My cat Pontus died. I still think about him, sometimes I sense him. He will live forever in our hearts. I have helped my mum getting a new kitten. It is a Ragdoll kitten. It is looks similar to holy Birma, but are more calm docile. Birmas can be a bit moody. I have felt Pontus and I are similar in temperaments, we are both moody and unsocial. lol. Anyway it has been a blessing to follow this new kitty from his birth, been getting updates and pictures every week. In a way it is like I have observered life and death. My old friend Pontus that we grew old, so old and sick that his body one couldnt make it anymore. One life ends, another one begins. I followed my mum to get the new kitty yesterday. Mum is so happy now over this little one. He is adorable. He is 12 weeks now was born at the Ostara. I know, why buy a kitten from a breeder when they are so many homeless cats. It was my mums choice to get a kitten from a breeder. There are no kitten mills in scandinavia so the cats are being borned and live in the family. Lancelot is the name of this little babycat.

My mum took first a large kitten about 8 months old, from a shelter in february. But he was very wild. He was unhappy to be indoors, he wasnt tame so unpossible to pet. We have no garden and in the city is not safe to let cats be out, to many evil people there. And it is pretty cruel to lock the cats indoors if they want to be out. So a catshelter helped mum find a home for the cat on the countryside with other cats, a large garden. He is happy there. Part of me feel my mum gave up too fast. He did keep her up all nights those 4 days she had him. But I know how she is, she wants to be able to hold and pet the cat right away. A feral cat that havent been around humans much, been socialized is not right for her. I knew that, but she wanted to try. Atleast she tried and paid for neutering(She had planned to have him) so it was easier for the little guy to get a new home. She was depressed after that experience with the feral cats. We all hoped he get a good home, and after being in a shelter for a few months he came to a home with a huge garden and another cat he could have as buddy so he would be a happy outdoor as well indoorcat as he wants. I know my mum should have tried getting another cat from a shelter but was anxious they just crying all night, not like it at her place. But i am happy it seem to be working with this new kitty Lancelot. It does make my heart sad to think of all cats that needs a home. Atleast now my mum wont calling me every day and be so sad, anxious, annoying all the time. For my taste these Ragdoll kitten are to mellow docille. I like it when they are mischievious, destroy things, the more the better. They should have strong will. That isone of the things i loved the most about Pontus he was so strong willed, it should be his way or no way at all. It wasnt possible to boss him around. If some tried he attacked. But who know this little guy Lancelot may be just as mischiewious as Pontus was. he is so adorable, but which cat isnt.

I have started the website for endangered animals artgallery. i will have some info on each animal and my art of the animals. So I have much work ahead of me for a very long time, before i can publish it. I do this work with Cernunnus. I think the point of me doing this, any kind of work with Him this is probably to make me focus on something else then indulge in my sensual fantasies that makes me very passive, stay indoors and makes Him to be a jerk of using my vulnerability. Cause even if it all really comes from me, it is so strong I cant fight it, get away from it. But with Him making me focus on other stuff like my art. And that He clearly demands me doing this artgallery. I must say it honors Him to not use me take advantage of the situation seduce me, make these fantasies real. Yes I admitt I thought a sexual God like Him would do it. I should say that I assumed that from all MaleGods and some Angels I have met. It has been much variables on how much it happens. It seems like most of it all is in my head. And in these fantasies I am so vulnerable, so lovesick, so submessive. Like I have no will or strength of my own. I exist only to please and be used. When I was younger still looking for love, thought I found it on these nightclubs went home with these strange men. I just got used and dumped, no one cared or even wanted to see me again. I tend to get these obsessive fantasies about the MaleGods when I am needy, in trouble or want to achive something-where my payment is my body not just the soul.

I think it is about some low´selfeasteam and selfhate issues. Like I am of such low worth, that I am only to be pleasing, the gods toy with me, have their fun with me. But my life wont get any better, quite the opposite it is like it flushes down the drain, such a waiste. A huge part of this is in my relationship with Lugh too. This makes me suicidal and depressed when I givin into the fantasies. I dont want either of them, but I think and believe they want me and I should be available and pleasing to them if i ever want anything accomplished in life, if dont wish to live on the streets.

I am hoping that with being more outdoors, not give in to the obessive fantasies. Focus on my art, exercising. I will get healthier, be more successful. It seems like Cernunnus is pushing me in that direction. I think Lugh is too. Perhaps one day I would have more healthy images of MaleGods. That doesnt matter to me, but probably to them. It sure would nice to not be this vulnerable, this submessive. Why it seems to work better Cernunnus then Lugh is that I have no good expectations, I have no hopes, wishes. I have no dreams of him making my dreams come through. I do hear both Lugh and Cernunnus pretty well but my distrust is so big, that I dont believe it. I have another one, a friend, I may ask for clarification, too understand things. I trust him more these past years, then earlier. Sometimes He is willing to help me out.

I am bad shape, so stressed out. I am so frustrated, so pissed and angry. Been to 3 jobinterview, traveling to get there, be calm, interesting and nice to get the jobs. And waiting for hours at the unemploymentsoffice to get the trips payed then to deliver the papers bus/train tickets. I feel i cant deal with it. I abuse redbull and energydrinks to make it. These past weeks I have used so much I cant function without it. I am getting of it now, it doesnt help anymore either. Always when i had serveral stressful days I feel The Male Gods to demand my attention to come to them, be with them. I suppose it is no harm in that. It is just that I wanna be alone, stop bothering me, stop demanding, just leave me alone I wanna say but I know it is wrong of me to say that. Cause I am supposed to be available all the time. I just cant deal with it. I have tried to talk to them, explain it. But it is like they refuse to see it from my point of view. They are right and I am wrong it feels like that. I apologize alot and do as they want. Hate myself ten times more.

Last weekend at the fullmoon I used the ritual from Stephanie Woodfields book the Dark Goddess Morrigan along with the other avalonianrituals, after that I did a beltane ritual from the book. It was great, I also did some spells. I really do the rituals at esbats and sabbats and do the morning rituals and yoga i feel The Goddesses are letting me of the hook. Okay when I feel this frustrated and worned out it is hard to do the morning rituals, but I do my best. But good luck in making Lugh and Cernunnus do the same. Cause it seems like the feel that I am never enough with them, atleast what they request of me is way to much. Being with Them every day is too much. Yes it would feel better if I actually got something out of it, like success in my art, more energy. But no, not in this life, not for me.

Okay I get that They wanna help me, get to know for some reason. Lugh says he wanna helpout with my art. Which is great, but to get there to the point where i actually get help, are getting something good of life. I am not even close, cause they are so demanding, be with them all the time and be in good mood. Impossible. Just the sight/feeling of them getting close, approaching me make me scream leave me alone, get away from me inside. I realize they heard it and appologize. It feels like I am being watched all the time. It feels like everything i say or do or feel is being judged and may be confronted cause of it. Which makes me stressed, anxious even suicidal. I apologize alot. My life is getting no where. It just aint gonna get better, cause there is something very angry rebellious within me who refuses to obey, refuses to back down do anything the gods say. Which means there is no blessings or stuff for me to get from the gods.I dont care, I deserve better then living like this. Having to be with these pushy demanding gods. ohh crap, now i probably must apologize to the gods for writting this.