illness thoughts, possible prevent future happenings of this kind.

[camillanightshade]

I have been thinking of my illness, what happened at the summer and fall. The doctor says that my illness can make sick anytime. It is true but lets look at the pattern, cause we who do magic, know about other stuff that cant be scienefictive proofed we know that there is always a pattern, always some similar situation that trigger cause the sickness, something that make it burst out. Something that was different last year 2012 which is similar to the year 2008. It is important that I know what happens, what triggers it, so I can prevent it if it is possible. I am sure that abusive behaviour from others, me not being able to speak, being heard always being silenced, my inner anger cause of that, as well as the panicattacks that runs out of controle which made me depressed. My liver was healthy until july, and it was discovered that i was getting sick again in december.

At the first time at nov 2007 when I got sick i have had a long time of stress at work as a homecare assistent, since many people were sick i had to work all the time do many extra stuff,

the similar pattern is that in these two sick periods ,i was taken for granted. my depression and panic got worser which made me careless, i overconsumed sugar, energydrinks, coke cola have been lazy with yoga Beenn very depressed sucicidal/destructive, dispointed on life on gods on myself, hating myself unable to accept me as I am- seeing the good with my strong positive sides I am a failure loser . had no will to live, been so overloaded with stress, pressure, people i work with just pressure me more and more are being cruel, unsensitive. that and dirty jobs make feel like I am a bad person I deserve it, there is no way out. No one cares... Been less outdoors. I have felt so powerless, like I have no say about anything, others have stolen my powers. working fulltime gives way to little time for my art. My magic to make stronger seem ineffective why do the Goddess allow that...havent used healthy herbs like milkthistle other cleansing herbs regulary.

Now this second time it hasnt gone so far as the first time. I have more trust in The Goddess. I do wanna survive, I will survive I will be better. I understand more about my limits, why some stuff are important, why some Gods Goddesses keep on pushing me about some stuff, remind me alot. I do feel more support from gods, and I am suspcious about some others.

so what is different from those years I have been well
I have been healthier, more hopefull, felt i had controle, wasnt bothered about my bodily limits, i was happy and grateful for what I could achieve, had more trust at someimes. Ï dis yoga every week frankly almost every day, no matter what. I had less need of drugging myself to not be able to feel anything or be able to handle work, stressul enviroment.

The conclusions is that I always should do yoga, drink milkthistle tea paint regulary, be more outdoors. Well that is no news. What is very strange is that last year I went to Ireland and i had an artshow both of it i have been yearning foe years for. True I was in more bad shape that I knew off , but I stii enjoyed and loved being in Ireland. I didnt sell anything at the artshow, and it didnt come many visitors there at all. But it was still worth it. i am happy and grateful for that.

I need to be better at avoid stress, and glotten in lowselfesteam, feelings of being an idiot, failure, to be used.


Any thoughts about these things, feel free to share them.

Comments

So stuffed around that I try to nip it in the bud

[(Anonymous)]

I try to nip it in the bud, in the most truthful to all sides and points of view as I can, but i still think trying to nip things in the bud is unhealthy. Patterns ought to be clarified and allowed to naturally resolve themselves. I worry sometimes that I am unfair to others, but i'm starting to truly believe that certain individuals, have to bear the pain and the brunt of other people's unresolved ego tripping problems...and they always come out looking innocent... their bad decisions and actions always get covered up and forgotten. I constantly wish things were not so illusory. My mental illness is becoming a bigger excuse and problem - pushing - away device for other people, but just a bigger and bigger problem for myself.
OK I admit it, I am super-pissed today. Fight with parents...and they have been stewing long before they finally blew up at me. And the last blow up was only 1 and a half weeks ago. Grrrr. The more I tolerate, the worse and stupider it gets.

Re: So stuffed around that I try to nip it in the bud

[camillanightshade]

Hi, who are you? Interesting thoughts. I do think it is better to see the pattern and resolve what can be resolved then not doing it. One should never tolerate to be abused, yet I tolerate way to much from my boss otherwise I wouldnt have a job.

Re: So stuffed around that I try to nip it in the bud

[eastcrazy.wordpress.com]

It's Rochelle, Camilla!
:)