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camillanightshadeIh celebrated the Lady Morrigan at Her day the 16th december. It couldnt see or hear Her, that was strange, but it happens. So I did what I usually do, cause i know that She is there even if I cant sense it. It was time for me to meet Cernunnus too, so i called on Him. It was alright I am usually not in mood talking to other gods if i dont get connection to the Goddess, i tend to just dwell in my my unhappiness. Cernnunus suggested that I would mention him as well in the morningprayers and other times when I mention Lugh and the Goddess, during meditations, chanting, rituals. I was unwilling, and we talked about my fears about it. I felt pushed to agree, I get that feeling sometime, like they ask me just for politeness but it is already decided, other times I feel like whaever just leave me alone. Although a thought came to my mind perhap that can be seen as a challenge to have the same close relationship to Cernunnus I have to the others. It is like it doesnt matter how gentle or fun he is, I still have bad thoughts about him, assume the worst. It is like I just wait for when he will destroy my life, It is fear in me not a real thought. Talking about it with other gods I dont follow helps me see it clearly. I got assured again that cernunnus had no possibility to destroy my life, cause that could make The Morrigu loose me, and She would never allow that. I needed to hear that once again. He cant harm me, has no interest in that. I am stubborn.
On Thursday that week the 20th dec. I met an old friend, We went artcollege together, once we were bestfriends both loving Kiss, Metallica, metal and the new age view on Jesus, and the angels. It her i learned channeling, meditation stuff with, she was my first witch friend. We had many fun times, but at the end we were both ill, wounded, it was like we were only able to damage each other if we talked. So no wonder we lost friendship. It is 10 years since that now. i think we both have been both scared and exited about meeting again.I have tried to contact her, talk to her when i have seen her in town. She has always shyed away from me, the last like 5 years ago i even yelled deperately I that i have never cursed or hurt her intentionally, that she hurt me as well. I realize it sounded most likely like had done it. Sometimes i even feared her god Jesus would come after me for it. As we all know common sense, truth are usually silenced by my fears. Nowdays I dont have those face, feel any pain , hate anger about that. So Helene and I changed phone numbers, talked for half an hour, we have friended each other on facebook. Since I saw some spirit I got some thoughts feelings, like what is going on? If you want me channeling The Morrigan will never agree to it. He just smiled. I felt the answer I havent asked for it either. Why worry about it something that may not happen. I meditated over it more and thought yeah why do that. For once I was actually able to let it go. I hope I will meet my old friend again we could take along walk, take a cup of coffee or something. I wont bring up the past, or me we can just focus on the presence now or the future. like taking it easy see what happens. We have both grown healed on these past 10 years.
Right before wintersolstice I I got a letter that the state would take huge amount of my salary to pay my debt. I knew it was coming one day, but I had ignored it and only paid little every now and then. When I found out how little money I would I have left after they taken all they demanded I was crushed, I couldnt handle it. So I left it for later. There was stress at work, arguements over nothing, then it was finally my 5 days of free from work. I celebrated the wintersolstice, bought the last stuff for christmas.I celebrated the christmas with my mum and sister that was great as always. I got a few new t-shirts, the ancestors of avalon book, how to paint animals realistly(i hope this one is better then the others). a pair of lovely gorgeus earing with mooncresent pentagram and a tiny moonstone.
On the boxing day I was alone taking it easy, and had to deal with the debt stuff- write a letter and plead them to let me keep more of my salary. Explaining my needs, why I need to paint, exercise at the gym etc, that I would be so depressed not being able to work at all. I would also want the ability to save money for some travel. It was so hard to write the letter, i was so panicy I couldnt focus at all. I was working on thursday, I had awful pain in my body. It was much harder then usual. On friday I stayed at home, I had to finish the letter, take bloodtest. After that I rested much, and did that the whole weeked, I slept more then i have for years. I had so much pain around my liver, that made me so panicy I was only up for drinking strong herbal teas as medication and eat a bit, i watched some movies was too exhausted to do anything else. I dreamed much. My boss called and yelled at me a couple of times on the friday.
My problems with my boss, that I have had alot of, which have been more unbearable. I seem to have trouble with working with my boss, cause I cant handling his nasty attitude, he way of causing me alot panicattacks. I have tried to talk to him, but he is so subtile and he ignores everything and are aggressive that I remain insecure, shivering in his presence. My way of escaping is call in sick-sometimes I am sick. He calls me alot and I have trouble saying no standing up for myself. Sometimes I even change myself totally to please him, I get addicted to his attention, compliments of my work. In that phase I have no confidence. I make more mistakes and my boss is cruel to me, picking on me for everything. It is like my weakness, obvious vulenerability trigger something very dark in him. I am not even sure he understand how he harms me. The only way to deal with is to force myself to be stronger, to not be put down, I need to shadow The Morrigan to do that, have Her energier within and around me, just smile and ignore his stupidity, cruelty. And focus on work make less mistakes that settles him down, and if I dont seem to care, it isnt fun to upset me. It is hard, very hard cause i so wanna yell at him, tell him to go to hell and stuff like that. How can I build my inner strength if I am being put down all the time, how can deal with work just swallow it ignore it without being harmed by it. I have no patience for him or his attitude. I understand that since I have been abused earlier by others I project those situations at work which makes stuff worse. So I need The Ladys help there for that too. She wants me to have the work, so i can travel, okay all of the gods wants me too work, and parts of me wants that too. Cause I wanna travel and I wanna paint buy stuff, I really hope and pray that I will have enough money left after the state take their amount of my salary to continue my art, at the gym, save for traveling. I suppose it may be too much to ask for. Bit here is hoping.
I celebrated the new years eve with my mum and sister surprisingly my body is today feeling quite well. The pain is less. I feel stronger more healthy today. At the weekend it felt like I had given up which I had been feeling since I got the letter about the debt. I couldnt care less if I was alive or dead for awhile. But when i had much to do I ignored it, as long as I could and after christmas it like I couldnt fight anymore, just too tired. I did a darkmoonritual on the fullmoon where I called on My Lady Morrigan and Morgana. To help me get my life in order get ride of the negativity, change things, help with the debt thing, work. This a ritual I only do a couple of times a year cause it is one of the most powerful I know and it is not to be taken lightly, nothing dangerous but but one bneed to know what one want the Ladys help with, and trust Their ways of handling stuff and accept the things that may happen, as I do the ritual I actually surrender everything to Them, let Them decide what to do. It is a great ritual when one is weary, have lost the way, are stuck, dont know one will make it... This ritual is of caurse different for everyone, but this is how it is for me. I love it, cause I feel helped, taken cared of, feeling everything will be better that they are with me, guide. They are always that if I do the ritual or not. But for me it is like I ask for it, i get confirmed they are there, and I get some guidance on what I should do. This time I feel 5 days later that I will make it no matter what, if the take much money from me or not, and I will eat more healthy, become healthy and focus on my art. Life is worth living, life has much to offer me, and I have much I wanna see, do and give to the world.
I am still in pain but much much less, so tea is helping, I will work tomorrow although i would have love to be home and paint the rest of the week. I just feel it isnt justified anymore, and i f I eat healthy I feel better. I will call my doctor at the hospital about my liver but it may take awhile before I get some appointment, cause I am better now.
On Thursday that week the 20th dec. I met an old friend, We went artcollege together, once we were bestfriends both loving Kiss, Metallica, metal and the new age view on Jesus, and the angels. It her i learned channeling, meditation stuff with, she was my first witch friend. We had many fun times, but at the end we were both ill, wounded, it was like we were only able to damage each other if we talked. So no wonder we lost friendship. It is 10 years since that now. i think we both have been both scared and exited about meeting again.I have tried to contact her, talk to her when i have seen her in town. She has always shyed away from me, the last like 5 years ago i even yelled deperately I that i have never cursed or hurt her intentionally, that she hurt me as well. I realize it sounded most likely like had done it. Sometimes i even feared her god Jesus would come after me for it. As we all know common sense, truth are usually silenced by my fears. Nowdays I dont have those face, feel any pain , hate anger about that. So Helene and I changed phone numbers, talked for half an hour, we have friended each other on facebook. Since I saw some spirit I got some thoughts feelings, like what is going on? If you want me channeling The Morrigan will never agree to it. He just smiled. I felt the answer I havent asked for it either. Why worry about it something that may not happen. I meditated over it more and thought yeah why do that. For once I was actually able to let it go. I hope I will meet my old friend again we could take along walk, take a cup of coffee or something. I wont bring up the past, or me we can just focus on the presence now or the future. like taking it easy see what happens. We have both grown healed on these past 10 years.
Right before wintersolstice I I got a letter that the state would take huge amount of my salary to pay my debt. I knew it was coming one day, but I had ignored it and only paid little every now and then. When I found out how little money I would I have left after they taken all they demanded I was crushed, I couldnt handle it. So I left it for later. There was stress at work, arguements over nothing, then it was finally my 5 days of free from work. I celebrated the wintersolstice, bought the last stuff for christmas.I celebrated the christmas with my mum and sister that was great as always. I got a few new t-shirts, the ancestors of avalon book, how to paint animals realistly(i hope this one is better then the others). a pair of lovely gorgeus earing with mooncresent pentagram and a tiny moonstone.
On the boxing day I was alone taking it easy, and had to deal with the debt stuff- write a letter and plead them to let me keep more of my salary. Explaining my needs, why I need to paint, exercise at the gym etc, that I would be so depressed not being able to work at all. I would also want the ability to save money for some travel. It was so hard to write the letter, i was so panicy I couldnt focus at all. I was working on thursday, I had awful pain in my body. It was much harder then usual. On friday I stayed at home, I had to finish the letter, take bloodtest. After that I rested much, and did that the whole weeked, I slept more then i have for years. I had so much pain around my liver, that made me so panicy I was only up for drinking strong herbal teas as medication and eat a bit, i watched some movies was too exhausted to do anything else. I dreamed much. My boss called and yelled at me a couple of times on the friday.
My problems with my boss, that I have had alot of, which have been more unbearable. I seem to have trouble with working with my boss, cause I cant handling his nasty attitude, he way of causing me alot panicattacks. I have tried to talk to him, but he is so subtile and he ignores everything and are aggressive that I remain insecure, shivering in his presence. My way of escaping is call in sick-sometimes I am sick. He calls me alot and I have trouble saying no standing up for myself. Sometimes I even change myself totally to please him, I get addicted to his attention, compliments of my work. In that phase I have no confidence. I make more mistakes and my boss is cruel to me, picking on me for everything. It is like my weakness, obvious vulenerability trigger something very dark in him. I am not even sure he understand how he harms me. The only way to deal with is to force myself to be stronger, to not be put down, I need to shadow The Morrigan to do that, have Her energier within and around me, just smile and ignore his stupidity, cruelty. And focus on work make less mistakes that settles him down, and if I dont seem to care, it isnt fun to upset me. It is hard, very hard cause i so wanna yell at him, tell him to go to hell and stuff like that. How can I build my inner strength if I am being put down all the time, how can deal with work just swallow it ignore it without being harmed by it. I have no patience for him or his attitude. I understand that since I have been abused earlier by others I project those situations at work which makes stuff worse. So I need The Ladys help there for that too. She wants me to have the work, so i can travel, okay all of the gods wants me too work, and parts of me wants that too. Cause I wanna travel and I wanna paint buy stuff, I really hope and pray that I will have enough money left after the state take their amount of my salary to continue my art, at the gym, save for traveling. I suppose it may be too much to ask for. Bit here is hoping.
I celebrated the new years eve with my mum and sister surprisingly my body is today feeling quite well. The pain is less. I feel stronger more healthy today. At the weekend it felt like I had given up which I had been feeling since I got the letter about the debt. I couldnt care less if I was alive or dead for awhile. But when i had much to do I ignored it, as long as I could and after christmas it like I couldnt fight anymore, just too tired. I did a darkmoonritual on the fullmoon where I called on My Lady Morrigan and Morgana. To help me get my life in order get ride of the negativity, change things, help with the debt thing, work. This a ritual I only do a couple of times a year cause it is one of the most powerful I know and it is not to be taken lightly, nothing dangerous but but one bneed to know what one want the Ladys help with, and trust Their ways of handling stuff and accept the things that may happen, as I do the ritual I actually surrender everything to Them, let Them decide what to do. It is a great ritual when one is weary, have lost the way, are stuck, dont know one will make it... This ritual is of caurse different for everyone, but this is how it is for me. I love it, cause I feel helped, taken cared of, feeling everything will be better that they are with me, guide. They are always that if I do the ritual or not. But for me it is like I ask for it, i get confirmed they are there, and I get some guidance on what I should do. This time I feel 5 days later that I will make it no matter what, if the take much money from me or not, and I will eat more healthy, become healthy and focus on my art. Life is worth living, life has much to offer me, and I have much I wanna see, do and give to the world.
I am still in pain but much much less, so tea is helping, I will work tomorrow although i would have love to be home and paint the rest of the week. I just feel it isnt justified anymore, and i f I eat healthy I feel better. I will call my doctor at the hospital about my liver but it may take awhile before I get some appointment, cause I am better now.
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good work, hope things work out
Date: 2013-01-02 06:15 am (UTC)Happy New Year!
Re: good work, hope things work out
Date: 2013-01-04 10:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-01-07 05:27 pm (UTC)I read more strength than ever before in your words. I had a friend like yours also ten years ago. We split up though and I think it was for the best. She was very sheltered when I knew her, she hadn't left her parents house or experienced much of the world. She grew sort of all-at-once, and then said some things that were very hurtful to me. We haven't spoken since. I think we are no longer the people we were when we were friends.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-01-08 08:17 pm (UTC)I will try to keep the gymcard as long as possible. It is possible I can get the doctors to write about that i need gymcard and art havent spoken to the doctors yet, have one appointment next week.