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In the past traumas happenings i was innocent as those as i harmed were in those life i was a bad witch. I am forgiving myself for what happened, and for the others to set myself free. It is hard one, I seem to be unable to let but talking to J makes it easier. I understand more and more. Like there is a huge difference between that it was my karmic debt the bullying, fredrics abuse of me and, some work issues relationships to other people. Then that gods see it as i deserve all the torments and misery as much as possible. I talked to J about this a couple of times. It is very hard for me, like an obsessionjust as i get obsessed with talking o him, but now that I allow it it is easier, and The others gods doesnt seem to mind. Hecate said once i was too afraid to be well. Like I fear something bad is gonna happened then. It is weird, why would i be that, it must be anxiety issues, fears that rules me, i have mistaken it earlier for the gods will for me in meaning i have no rights to be well, cause if i have why am i sick.. alyas taking the shortest straw in life... failure not having many visitors at my artshow has made me question much, not many seems to like m art.

I Understand that it is importance to see the difference from this work and the time i had with Fredrick when I worked with him at the store as well as other workplaces where I have been abused, I see that now although the flashbacks still comes when it is the worst for me. Still working on dont letting the anxiety panic rule my life. It is great I can ask him much stuff, even if it is much of the past things, probably cause a part me see no future, no happiness for me. I asked if he was against me having fun, success, and if he had been that, was out to get me. The answer was no, to all the question and get some peptalk, when I got that in the past I didnt get that it was peptalk, or that he was just talking calmly but being determent which i took as anger or annoyance over me. Over the years I speak to J every now and then in the beginning it was mostly accussing and mocking from my side, it is wasnt much use, he stopped coming, if I cant behave be polite he ignores me, which isnt especially strange. Strange as it may sound for me to need or be obsessed with this to talk to him. In a way i think it is some fears, dark imaginings about him which which are being dissolved when I talk too him. There are a few magical stuff and spells i wanna do with him.

Odin is making more demands now, well it has been very slow the past years, i cant really blame him for wanting me to shake up get started. i am grateful for his presence. I do feel that there a bit too many gods that wanna work with me. I will write down all the experiences work with all of them for a year. Those I am talking about are Odin, Thor, Loki, Cernunnus, Lugh, J, possible some other angels as well, besides the Goddesses I already work with. I know i can skip serveral here like Thor, J,and angels but why should I take away those that makes feel so good who are my support, and comfort. In a way i pissed that I have to work with Cernunnus who has harmed me alot in my eyes or Odin which I dont really like fear he will be too hard on me, but i have promised to do it for a year regulary every second week- not 2-3 times a year, or Loki who maybe too dangerous, who knows which powers, and energies i may have gotten in touch with, this danger fears makes him so exiting. I think it is only fair I am with some I like, if I have to be others who arent so kind to me. With J it is more that I try some spells, I am not cheating or being unfaithful cause of this. Most of the demands is to do some kind of volontair work, help some other people that comes in my way, meditate-be with them, walking outdoors, exercising.

more thoughts about gods, being a pagan nun

I have read the twillight and fire blog on wordpress I think it was. It is about a girl who worships Loki. It describes a Loki in a different way than I have read before. It does feel very truthful. I admitt i have never read much about Loki cause I havent been that interested and feared i would read something scary. I mean I know who he is, and what he isnt, that is enough. I am more interested then in reading other peoples experiences about him. In one of her post she write that she is a pagan nun and that he is her spouse, her love.

Being a pagan nun is something that interests me in a way. Since last I have thought about being a nun, but didnt know of any other then the christian and buddist ones. I have also seen images from my mind as that. Although she/me was very unhappy. But I have been unable to get it out of my mind, and I must shamefully admitt I even have thought about becoming a christian nun as positive- a way to escape my path, the gods who seem to think it is so important to go through every pain, suffer, having this misery. At first it was just an thought an forbidden fantasy where I wouldnt be doing anything but being happy. I know it is silly. The reality isnt like that. A friend of mine babysister claimed to called to be a nun, I discovered more about it then I thought about it were I called in the past? I wasnt right? and the fears and thoughts about it wouldnt leave me alone. I spoke a bit about it with The Goddesses and draw some tarotcards I got confirmed that I belonged to Them, I knew that. Starting the second year of my training as avalonpriestess at samhain.

When I spoke too J, I asked about the call of being a nun, was I called, had I been called by him etc. I havent talked about it with him for many years cause I feared the answer, I only had some fears in my mind. J´s answer was that there are many different paths, one can be devoted to the gods in different ways. And no you are needed in the world, many people need your light and friendship. After that I read about pagan nun, priestess. I said many times before that If there was a convent or some temple for people being priestesses of the Goddess I would move there right away. Another friend who is a priestess of avalon said we could be whatever we wanted incluing a pagan nun devoted to Her. I do see The Goddesses as my love, my life. But I feel I need to be stronger more independent, to be a better follower of the Goddess. I would be more secure, healthier and confident I am working toward to become.

I wonder if it would feel better that I am without a husband and kids if I was a nun. Not that I really want that. I mean I yearn for love, but those I meet are nothing for me, i havent met anyone that have been interested in me romanticallly. I love my freedom, only belonging to The Goddesses and Lugh. Not sure about the other Gods if I belong to them, hopefully I will just be working with them for awhile.

I feel better now that I have written much, got much out of my mind. It shouldnt make me sick stay home from work but I needed this time to rest, to write think, to feel ready for the new year that is soon approaching. Samhain is coming. If I am called to be a nun to someone would I be able to handle that? What would it mean for me. Well The Morrigan is allowing much and gives me much freedom but I know I am not allowed to have any stronger god then Her or become J´s nun. I dont have any plans in that area either. It is possible Lugh or Thor or Loki wants that. I prefere any of Them over Cernunnus or Odin. It is silly to be guessing like this, time will tell if anyone wants me, It is possible they are all here causae they can help me and I have some skills that they wanna work with me cause off that.