(no subject)

[camillanightshade]

I feel awful and even more those days every second week I need to meet Cernunnus. Cause I feel fooled. So I brougth up our agreement, my issues of severe panic those days in that week. He claims that He is helping me, wants to work with me. Be a part of my life. He seem to think I will be more accepting of that when I know Him better. I feel that I am in confinement. My theraphyst says that I rule my life, i dont have to have those in my life I dont want to, we were discussing my flashbacks and anxiety. Btw I am not Bipolar but have PTSD and the panic syndrome, depression. I didnt say that i feel compelled and ruled by gods. I seem to like like Male Gods much more when they arent in my life when I dont meet them, dont have any committments to them. I feel and fear that I am being used, being screwed over. The constant feeling of MaleGods cant be trusted. Cause I feel cheated and betrayed of some gods from the past. Not from Cernunnus personally but I see no reason why this would be different. The fact that They dont see it as that They did that to me says much about their arrogance and ignorance. I will use my morning paiges to write more about that see what really happened. I must have missed something. I really dont wish to dwell in it, but something about comittment to MaleGods having to come to Him every second week besides at sabbats is making me feel so panicy, depressed like all joy, light happiness is gone. Have I felt this before - yes many times, i tend to find away to escape leave that God- solved the issue? Most likely no. So I guess I need to deal with it, not run away. Cernunnus is gonna stay no matter what.

Comments

[jensurvivor]

the poem or lyrics that you've written at the end, are those things you imagine Cernunnus asking of you? Or are you asking it of him? Do you think those are things you ould ask him to do too?

[camillanightshade]

I dont know, I dont think so, it just felt fitting but dont know why. I just wanna be free. Rule my own life.

[jensurvivor]

perhaps you are learning how to be free?

[camillanightshade]

That would be nice. But I thought I already knew that. :)

[jensurvivor]

Let me see if I have this right: you're not sure what male gods want of you. You've made committments to them that make you feel trapped, panicked and screwed over, maybe more than makes sense for just talking to someone for an hour every two weeks. But you agree to it because They come to you over and over again and repeat their request until you feel annoyed, frightened and overwhelmed, and it seems that agreeing to a demand is the only way to make them go away. Refusing them over and over makes you feel incredibly anxious. What if they punished you? Does that sound about right?

you don't know how to say no to their demands. you get angry and rage, then you feel afraid that your rage has caused them to want to punish you and so you apologize and capitulate.

This is why I say that you don't know how to be free. being free makes you need to repeat the conditions of bondage. it's hard to imagine living without a male making frightening demands of you. In fact it's not really something you have ever known. You can't imagine saying "no" and then having Them be okay with it. You also can't imagine being with a male figure and being able to come to decisions that are okay with you both, and being at peace with him.

[camillanightshade]

Let me see if I have this right: you're not sure what male gods want of you. You've made committments to them that make you feel trapped, panicked and screwed over, maybe more than makes sense for just talking to someone for an hour every two weeks. But you agree to it because They come to you over and over again and repeat their request until you feel annoyed, frightened and overwhelmed, and it seems that agreeing to a demand is the only way to make them go away. Refusing them over and over makes you feel incredibly anxious. What if they punished you? Does that sound about right?

Pretty much. I have decided that I do not worship Male Gods, I belong only to The Goddesses. But that seem to be impossible for The Male Gods to accept.

you don't know how to say no to their demands. you get angry and rage, then you feel afraid that your rage has caused them to want to punish you and so you apologize and capitulate.

I know how to say no, but I just dont think any Male Gods would respect that. Be ok with it. I am a bit paranoid on this thing.

This is why I say that you don't know how to be free. being free makes you need to repeat the conditions of bondage. it's hard to imagine living without a male making frightening demands of you. In fact it's not really something you have ever known. You can't imagine saying "no" and then having Them be okay with it. You also can't imagine being with a male figure and being able to come to decisions that are okay with you both, and being at peace with him.

True, and most gods just wanna talk go for a walk, but I am so suspiscious that I always think it got to be more than that, It isnt possible they just wanna talk, hangout, go for a walk with me. I should change that thought pattern and see things as they are.