stood up for my self.
Apr. 12th, 2013 08:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
camillanightshadeI stood my ground to the Morrigu today.
I am of meds since tuesday yesterday and I been panicy anxious the first days yesterday I was first pissed which soon turn into uncontrolled rage. I was so furious at many people, my exboss, animal abusers, poachers, animal testers(yeah I do much activist thing, see much harsh, cruel material)And no walking away is not option. Theese poor animals doesnt have enough people fighting for them. today I was i woke up still furious. I bsanished my anger, frustration negativity. I also send energy of help strength to all who fight for animal rights. After that I started to write in the morning paiges. after a few hours anger had turn to pain, anxiety hysterical level panicing. I kept writing and writing mostly about how cruel my exboss is, the gods are mean to me... Cernunnus wishes, that made me loose my senses. It felt so alone, so vulnerable. I felt like I would be executed not i didnt wanna die, but as non christian i cant fly around with the angels for eternities. It would just be terror for me. anyway after a few hours I felt like I would be raped, forced to channel etc. No one would take my side, defend me. I am just a slave, something to be used for the gods entertainment. Cause in my reality it doesnt matter how wonderful others think Cernunnus is, to me he is dangerious, yes his sexuality, and the thought of he touching me,i have to channel him scares me so much i loose all sense and now all the shit channeling. it is too much. I dont care what benefit gods think i get from this, I have talked on and off with Cernunnus for 3-4 years. It wont get better, okay maybe it will. I dont care I have had it. I told the Morrigan today that I refuse too have anything to do with Her ever if She pushes me to this, that am I forced, talked into channeling Cernunnus. I didnt beg, I didnt grovel. I dont care it is my life. No one is gonna oppress me. THe Morrigan said it was my choice, and said She wouldnt force me.
I went to gym then worked out so much I almost fainted. 2 hours I burned 910 calories. I am pleased with that. otherwise being of meds it is hard to feel anything but hysterical, rage or anxious or after a hard training for for hours i feel close good. my senses and my body are too exhausted to trigger me in neither direction. I am proud that I didnt back down on The Cernnunus thing. I am grateful that Morrigan let it go, let me have my way. Next step get Cernunnus out of my life totally.
I am of meds since tuesday yesterday and I been panicy anxious the first days yesterday I was first pissed which soon turn into uncontrolled rage. I was so furious at many people, my exboss, animal abusers, poachers, animal testers(yeah I do much activist thing, see much harsh, cruel material)And no walking away is not option. Theese poor animals doesnt have enough people fighting for them. today I was i woke up still furious. I bsanished my anger, frustration negativity. I also send energy of help strength to all who fight for animal rights. After that I started to write in the morning paiges. after a few hours anger had turn to pain, anxiety hysterical level panicing. I kept writing and writing mostly about how cruel my exboss is, the gods are mean to me... Cernunnus wishes, that made me loose my senses. It felt so alone, so vulnerable. I felt like I would be executed not i didnt wanna die, but as non christian i cant fly around with the angels for eternities. It would just be terror for me. anyway after a few hours I felt like I would be raped, forced to channel etc. No one would take my side, defend me. I am just a slave, something to be used for the gods entertainment. Cause in my reality it doesnt matter how wonderful others think Cernunnus is, to me he is dangerious, yes his sexuality, and the thought of he touching me,i have to channel him scares me so much i loose all sense and now all the shit channeling. it is too much. I dont care what benefit gods think i get from this, I have talked on and off with Cernunnus for 3-4 years. It wont get better, okay maybe it will. I dont care I have had it. I told the Morrigan today that I refuse too have anything to do with Her ever if She pushes me to this, that am I forced, talked into channeling Cernunnus. I didnt beg, I didnt grovel. I dont care it is my life. No one is gonna oppress me. THe Morrigan said it was my choice, and said She wouldnt force me.
I went to gym then worked out so much I almost fainted. 2 hours I burned 910 calories. I am pleased with that. otherwise being of meds it is hard to feel anything but hysterical, rage or anxious or after a hard training for for hours i feel close good. my senses and my body are too exhausted to trigger me in neither direction. I am proud that I didnt back down on The Cernnunus thing. I am grateful that Morrigan let it go, let me have my way. Next step get Cernunnus out of my life totally.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-14 11:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-16 09:59 am (UTC)