(no subject)
Jan. 20th, 2013 12:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
camillanightshadeI am going back to work tomorrow, I am better now and are doing my yoga and meditation everyday again mostly which is great will go and exercise again at the gym. I have focused making the stress and panic anxiety less at work with surfing on a support for schizophrenia, bipolar, too understand the nasty voices that get to me during stress, at work. I have looked at that messages borads every now and then for years. In the beginning it was awful, not the people were nasty but my own anxiety panic got triggered very badly. So i wasnt looking at it for a year or two. Tried again something dragged me to it like I wanted to read, understand. The second last time it wasnt so bad, but more that I felt like I was very alike serveral of the posters. It has been times when I seen myself as schizophren, psychotic only The Goddess kept me from mental insistution where i feared i belonged, and where I would end up the question was only when, how much time did I have... The stress from work would be the doom ... But now I have rested for almost a month more or less. I have processed my feelings thoughts stress.
A few days ago i surfed at the group again, read about their experiences lifes with the voices, hallucinations, the psycoses, about their medications, side effects how they had been treated by my mental health professioners. Okay not every blog post, but from serveral persons so I got a clear picture I could see the similarity between my cruel voices, the endless clutter endless ¨bullying, and their false kindness. The same with the visual hallucinations. These days I dont have it so much but it was very common at the fall, as in other stressful periods. I feel I have gotten help in the way I understand hallucinations, and dare to focus on eliminating it, strengthen myself so it cant get the better of me. Cant controle me have any say, appear to exist. But I have had trouble with it cause, only The Morrigan allowed me ignore the voices completly. The other gods could still sometimes sound to close to close to false kind voices that tricked me. But it was like they couldnt care less, cause the important thing was that listen to them, and I couldnt tell the difference and it savaged me tremendeously. So I stopped almost meditating, the voices got worser and worser. I was closed to go to a convent for a week but didnt have the guts to even call/mail make some appointment. I saw the Morrigan and Morgana. I froze, my fear was so great I had done something awful just cause I wanted to see if i could escape the voices, the madness in the convent, now I didnt just think about it but was actually gonna do it. What a bad ungrateful witch and priestess I am, I deserved to die, I deserved death sentence, I deserved schizophrenia, I deserved this burning hell of eternal misery, pain for betraying the Goddesses. I shivered the panic anxiety reached the top I passed out. Woke up in my bed the next day.
Was still shaking, didnt go out for serveral days, didnt even pull up the curtains. watched tv, ate or sleept. Then I just decided to do yoga and meditate. it felt great. The serenity, it was so great. Silent my mind were completly silent very fast I was bathing in a warm loving light. It was a very very long time since it had been this calm and silent even in meditations, the voices usually yell there as well. This great feeling made me wanna meditate more, I even prayed to the Goddesses, Gods. Thanking the Ladys for letting me live, and experience this absence of the voices. I seemed to be getting deeper and deeper in the meditations. One day I heard The Morrigan and Morgana. Only a few words, that was soothing. I burned some large Goddess of avalon candles alll days, started to cleanse out all my mess, throw all garbage, do the dishes, vacuum... then I started to draw and paint.
I read they are getting a goddess temple here in sweden now, in stockholm, Gothenborg, and in north, they are having a Goddess festival there in lat august the festival and temples are based on the Goddess tempple in Glastonbury. They are also having a goddess retreat 25 miles from where i live. This made me so happy. I felt filled with hope and joy. I will see if I can get money to get there.
Okay back to voice stuff on the group I learned to see both similaritie and differences with my illness and theirs, and psycoses, I seem get these things during extrem stress and before panic attacks. I am able to function without medications, selfwork, strengthen myself, art, yoga meditation seem and with standing up for myself so people like my boss arent harrassing me, saying mean things. That would reduce the stress, maybe one day the voices are gone for good. The silence in my head that seem to be increasing helping me to focus makes me hopeful. I dont think i am schizophren anymore if I am it must be light, but I tend to get the voices and are unsure but I can actually get ride them with selfhelp texts from the borderline group on fb, and yoga meditation. Which makes me stronger more secure and confident. Which makes me feel hope. No wonder all gods, spirits angels i have met has encouraged/demanded me to meditate atleast 1-2 hour a day. When I did that I was much much more healthier. But is impossible when i work so i will try to keep the meditative state of mind as long as possible.
Yesterday I had a long talk with Morgana in the meditation. It was awesome. It is great that I see the difference between false friendly voices once again from the gods´s voices. Earlier I have always felt that only the Goddesses can take away the voices. Cause it was so rare I could do it. The Goddess retreat sound so great, it is what I have been yearning for all long. The nunnery was only a ´free alternative cause yoga retreats buddist monastrys are very expensive.
A few days ago i surfed at the group again, read about their experiences lifes with the voices, hallucinations, the psycoses, about their medications, side effects how they had been treated by my mental health professioners. Okay not every blog post, but from serveral persons so I got a clear picture I could see the similarity between my cruel voices, the endless clutter endless ¨bullying, and their false kindness. The same with the visual hallucinations. These days I dont have it so much but it was very common at the fall, as in other stressful periods. I feel I have gotten help in the way I understand hallucinations, and dare to focus on eliminating it, strengthen myself so it cant get the better of me. Cant controle me have any say, appear to exist. But I have had trouble with it cause, only The Morrigan allowed me ignore the voices completly. The other gods could still sometimes sound to close to close to false kind voices that tricked me. But it was like they couldnt care less, cause the important thing was that listen to them, and I couldnt tell the difference and it savaged me tremendeously. So I stopped almost meditating, the voices got worser and worser. I was closed to go to a convent for a week but didnt have the guts to even call/mail make some appointment. I saw the Morrigan and Morgana. I froze, my fear was so great I had done something awful just cause I wanted to see if i could escape the voices, the madness in the convent, now I didnt just think about it but was actually gonna do it. What a bad ungrateful witch and priestess I am, I deserved to die, I deserved death sentence, I deserved schizophrenia, I deserved this burning hell of eternal misery, pain for betraying the Goddesses. I shivered the panic anxiety reached the top I passed out. Woke up in my bed the next day.
Was still shaking, didnt go out for serveral days, didnt even pull up the curtains. watched tv, ate or sleept. Then I just decided to do yoga and meditate. it felt great. The serenity, it was so great. Silent my mind were completly silent very fast I was bathing in a warm loving light. It was a very very long time since it had been this calm and silent even in meditations, the voices usually yell there as well. This great feeling made me wanna meditate more, I even prayed to the Goddesses, Gods. Thanking the Ladys for letting me live, and experience this absence of the voices. I seemed to be getting deeper and deeper in the meditations. One day I heard The Morrigan and Morgana. Only a few words, that was soothing. I burned some large Goddess of avalon candles alll days, started to cleanse out all my mess, throw all garbage, do the dishes, vacuum... then I started to draw and paint.
I read they are getting a goddess temple here in sweden now, in stockholm, Gothenborg, and in north, they are having a Goddess festival there in lat august the festival and temples are based on the Goddess tempple in Glastonbury. They are also having a goddess retreat 25 miles from where i live. This made me so happy. I felt filled with hope and joy. I will see if I can get money to get there.
Okay back to voice stuff on the group I learned to see both similaritie and differences with my illness and theirs, and psycoses, I seem get these things during extrem stress and before panic attacks. I am able to function without medications, selfwork, strengthen myself, art, yoga meditation seem and with standing up for myself so people like my boss arent harrassing me, saying mean things. That would reduce the stress, maybe one day the voices are gone for good. The silence in my head that seem to be increasing helping me to focus makes me hopeful. I dont think i am schizophren anymore if I am it must be light, but I tend to get the voices and are unsure but I can actually get ride them with selfhelp texts from the borderline group on fb, and yoga meditation. Which makes me stronger more secure and confident. Which makes me feel hope. No wonder all gods, spirits angels i have met has encouraged/demanded me to meditate atleast 1-2 hour a day. When I did that I was much much more healthier. But is impossible when i work so i will try to keep the meditative state of mind as long as possible.
Yesterday I had a long talk with Morgana in the meditation. It was awesome. It is great that I see the difference between false friendly voices once again from the gods´s voices. Earlier I have always felt that only the Goddesses can take away the voices. Cause it was so rare I could do it. The Goddess retreat sound so great, it is what I have been yearning for all long. The nunnery was only a ´free alternative cause yoga retreats buddist monastrys are very expensive.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-01-21 03:23 pm (UTC)I have known some pagans use elements of the structure of Christianity, like Wiccan priestesses who gain legal ordination and the right to conduct marriages and funerals from the UU Church. I don't think that a christian convent would necessarily anger the gods if it was a good fit for you, but I also don't think a convent would automatically take the voices away. the calm environment would be good for you I'm sure but it won't take your struggles away from you, I hope one day you can be rid of them for good. I'm glad the meditation helps you. I also have a hard time sticking with it.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-01-22 03:28 am (UTC)The gods dont seem to be angry with me, it is just my fears, paranoya that gets the better of me and I am not always aware of it. I remember what peace and serenity I felt in the goddess temple, I wanna have that again. I will focus on that. It feels good to be working not overthinking things too much.
helpful website for you
Date: 2013-01-25 07:28 am (UTC)http://www.essential-energies.com.au/product-range/essence-of-the-goddess/resources/pages/attributes-index/
Besides Morgana, the site also contains the spheres of influence of other entities you work with, which could prove beneficial.
From this site, I did my best to provide a concise summary of Morgana's spheres of influence below, in case you don't have time to look through the entire web list and you need her assistance on short notice. She's trying to help you, more than you realize. Good luck.
Summary of influence
Morgan le Fey: addiction, avoidance, detail, despair, eating disorders, detoxification, emergency (physical trauma and shock), cooperation with oneself, cleansing of toxic energy from mind and body, repairs spirit body, empowerment to facilitate own healing through heart energy, responsible for one’s own health (don’t be a hypochondriac), immune system, learning and study, thinking and prophecy, psychic abilities, nurturing of sick, obsession and paranoia, psychosomatic illness, resistance to being healed, self-destructive and sabotage patterns, transformation of health and body, trust in one’s ability to heal, manifesting work goals, helping others not by rescuing them but by challenging them to find their own ability to heal themselves.