Karma

[camillanightshade]

I have gotten some disturbing messages about my life. Every now and then I have gotten bad cards in reading.  We all get that every now and then, so it is no big deal. A few cards has been popping up serveral times. Often do tarot readings on days I feel good, after meditating much, done ritiuals, are relaxed. The cards are the Rebirth/judgement card- about karma you reap what you sow, fortune upside down, The tower. Yesterday I got those cards again. I have avoided the subject, cause i dont wanna deal with it, I dont wanna hear about more suffering. It doesnt matter if it is karma punishments,or lifelessons it is just as bad. I knew deep within it would come up to the surface one again. The Gods have wanted to talk about it serveral times. It often just leaves me crying, begging and binging. The night to saturday I did a darkmoon spell, I needed The Morrigans help with stuff- like work, life issues. I got much encouragements and such, but felt it was more to come. On sunday i painted all day I had called on Morgana in the morning, then at the evening I called on all the Gods, I meditated and drew some cards. I heard some stuff too, That stuff got clearer today.

It seems like I have karmic debts to pay- relationships, when I heard about the karmic relationships first  like 10 years ago I was afraid of falling in love, i feared I be bloodly beaten, tortured to death, harmed in any way that is possible. I felt that the gods must hate me. I forgotten about it it. Perhaps that is why I only seems to fall in love with men who are out of reach, I am fat. It is not to spite the gods or karmaI  live alone, celibacy. I am just too afraid and I dont have that trust in a man that they could really love, care about me and be a good person at the same time. All this happened unconsciously. I havent met many men who are worth getting to know better that singles. I have often always had trouble at work, People are nasty to me, It is a pattern that started at school where I was bullied. Not all places have been equally bad, some places have been pretty good. At my work now I hear often that I am not as good baker as ofters,, i am stupid, clumbsy, I am useless,  I am far to slow, which makes me feel lousy, no self esteam. I have had smaller nervous breakdowns. Since my boss is very manipulative a real psychopath, no one believs me at the agency. It has happened that I have felt I am so useless, stupid as he says. Since he is a huge trigger for my panic and anxiety it is hard for me to be around him.

At another job this pattern would be repeated again I have heard.  I feel that this is so harsh, so cruel. I would have killed myself if it I would get away from the karmic wheel. But it doesnt. So I am stuck here, work my way out of the karmic debts. In a way it feels like I have lost everything, it is just gonna get darker. I told Her that as well as it feels like I am being punished over and over. Karma lessons, or being punished is the same in my eyes, yes I know the difference it just wont make my life easier. She says I am not being punished, I need to focus my magic on making myself stronger, healthier instead of cursing mean people like my boss ( I havent done it yet) I have trouble standing up for myself, I get humilated a lot. I get to hear how useless I am a lot and it is killing me. Knowing it is karma- meaning I deserve it.  So what is the use of struggling at all. I am screwed, I am doomed. The Ladies say that will help me become strong, fight my way out of it. That is awesome. I feel their energies surround me. So yeah it may work. The motivation of continuing the work is to not let that evil boss break me, afford stuff like good paint, travel, clothes, living. It just feels likenever ending misery, I just aint gonna get free. No salvation, or the salvation is that with some trust, magic spell, Their help will get strong powerful instead of getting revenge on him. How can I put up with this, No escape, It is so cruel, I dont feel that I deserve this, Well I am not the judge. It is so wrong, if it would help I gladly  become christo pagan just go to church say the redemtion prayer and sing the redemtion psalms 1 000 000  000 times. But it doesnt, just as channeling doesnt help either cause nothing I do, offer is gonna help. and no one is gonna let me get away, let me be free of the karmic debts. I have to suffer through this. How can I do that? Well it isnt like I have a choice. I can still do art, magic, yoga and travel. Perhaps I may be strong one day, where I am not affected by how others value me, how others are towards me. I dont need others compliments, approvements to feel good, feel i have worth, be confident as They Gods think I can be. Perhaps I may be getting some success one day. It is no use of cutting out The Gods of my life, it isnt Their fault, they arent causing it. I just thought with being a good good witch, priestess the karma debts was gone but deep within I knew the truth. It is just hard to be in a devoted state to Them. I feel I have no rights, no say in life. Like a battle I cant possibly win. I am not much willing to try either. It sucks.

Comments

[jensurvivor]

This is hard to say but:

>It doesnt matter if it is karma punishments,or lifelessons it is just as bad.

I think we have to distinguish three things. Karma, Punishment, and life lessons.
Can you think of the difference? It is useless to drag yourself down and say that there is not a difference.

punishment, yeah there would be nothing you can do. But you've been told it's not punishment.

Karmic debt. Similar to punishment, but without someone being angry at you. The application of an unfeeling law of the universe.

Life lessons. I think, from where I am, that this is what you are working with, in the simple sense that what you are doing isn't working. You are working low-paying jobs with frustrated people. These people are looking at you and the body language you are putting out and seeing a victim, someone they can take their frustrations out on. It will take a long time to learn other messages to put out. For me, it took getting out of a bad situation in the first place, then changing my habits.

I think the lesson is no more meaningful than that something has to change.
How much debt do you have to clear in order to take studies in something that can pay you more and be a better work environment?
Are there assertiveness communication training courses you can take?
Are you still exercising regularly and eating proper fresh food?
Are you still in therapy?
Are there things that I haven't thought of? Can you, in a calmer moment, brainstorm some things to help feel positive again?
If you are interested in meeting people, but aren't finding anyone you find interesting, are there other places to look? I sometimes feel that Malmo really isn't good for you.
A good friend of mine said, Ireland is full of men. And it was true ;)

I think the single most important thing to point out here is that you're out of the most dangerous situation you've been in. You've made it, you're living on your own. That's huge.

I had The Tower pulled by Raven Kaldera two years ago, before having a nervous breakdown. It's been hard, but also more rewarding than I ever thought possible. It certainly changed the trajectory of my life. I know you can make it through this.

[camillanightshade]

Thanks for your help and support. I am glad you are doing better, yea there is always sunshine after the rain.

I suppose you are right about the karma, lessons, punishment are different things I do think it may be connected. like karma creates the lessons, or decide which lessons one need to learn. Just a thought.

I can only take studies that I can pay for myself. Even as debt free one arent allowed to take more loans, cause each person only are allowed to get loans for 5 years. i have spent it all, already. but I will look around and see there arent any classes I can take at night. If I am working it is easy to pay for it.

I have had trouble with eating healthy, but I am working on it. Trying to remember to eat fresh veggies and fruits. After a week away from sugar it tastes better and better. I am walking serveral times outside every week.

I havent been in theraphy since november, cause the counsellor I had, said I had gone there enough, there are others that needed my place better. I have been thinking of contacting a psyciathrist. I got a number to a doctor that has good reputation. She may help me, if I need it.

Í could be better at working with my herbs, chrystals, focus on now, on my goals. Avoid thinking about the karma, lessons and other stuff that make shiver of panic, cause that cant be much good in that. I wi ll be brainstorming about it as well as my studie/other job possibilities and look around when I am more calm and are feeling better.

I am not out much these days, I do agree that Malmo is not a town for me to find either love or friendship in for me. If I go out I go to nearby towns instead.

[jensurvivor]

I have a friend who has been quite abused who says she can be slow and clumsy because of dissociative tendencies. I definitely notice I am clumsier on my worse days.

[camillanightshade]

I am like that too. Those days I should only be with supportive people, or alone painting, try to meditate. In my bad days my mind can easy slip away and I see images of some other taking my place. Then she is gone it doesnt last long, so i have sone dissociative tendencys.

[jensurvivor]

Yup, that's called derealization. I get that on my very very bad days.