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I am depressed and apathetic. Some days are really bad, other days are better. It is like I am trapped in the darkness inside me, where there is eternal winter. I now write and draw something after each time I meditate- meet some god/goddess. I dont try to pretend to be happy, devoted, or buy loads of stuff as offerings(they havent asked for it, anyway): Life has lost its meaning somehow, like I live only, just hangin there. Part of me is completely insane, suicidal, at times i loose touch with reality. I am obsessed and stuck in some thoughts like there are so many gods that comes to me, want me to be with them, yet none of them are taking away my pain, depression, panic, my illness. I know it is too much too ask, and they help me live through it. But it isnt much. I have expected more from them, more fun and joy from life, not so much pain misery. They get what want they atleast that is the important thing I suppose. I have no strength, I have no will, I have given up. The Gods won, the battle is over. I am broken. I so would have wished for more fun and joy in life. I have cried much these last weeks. I havent cried this much since right after Pontus died. Perhaps this I feel is the end of life is the beginning of recovery. Before Pontus died I hadnt cried since the winter.
On the other hand, I miss doing my art, just never tend to do it for some reason. I manage to work, exercise, yoga, meditate, be with the gods at the set dates, every second week once with Cernunnus, Odin. And the others once or twice a week it depends. I was at a training yesterday where one kick and punch, box without a partner that felt better then the other box training. I do feel better after any training, and do something for the earth, animals. And it is great that I can talk to even Cernunnus without freakout, it dseems to help that he is kind, loving and patient with me even if I am moody, grumpy, rude comparing him with others, trying to anger him which doesnt work. I see and hear less of the Ladies in a way, but it is more that I am not coming to them all the time. I do pray and meditate, they seem pleased. Pills doesnt work so well anymore, I think it is cause I need deal with the reason I am so depressed, panicy, suicidal, unhappy about life- working, hard to accomplish stuff, fullfill my dreams, challenges, harsh boring reality. It doesnt get more fun, then one makes it. I miss sun, if the sun is up, I rarely gets to see it, cause I am working, and often quit when it is gone, or setting. So seeing Sun God Lugh twice a week and greet each morning at my morning devotion to the Goddesses helps I think. He is so great. It is so dark in my world otherwise,okay it may not be a bad thing for others but totally darkness is deep depression for me. I yearn for the light, mybe one day I will live there, be happy.
On the other hand, I miss doing my art, just never tend to do it for some reason. I manage to work, exercise, yoga, meditate, be with the gods at the set dates, every second week once with Cernunnus, Odin. And the others once or twice a week it depends. I was at a training yesterday where one kick and punch, box without a partner that felt better then the other box training. I do feel better after any training, and do something for the earth, animals. And it is great that I can talk to even Cernunnus without freakout, it dseems to help that he is kind, loving and patient with me even if I am moody, grumpy, rude comparing him with others, trying to anger him which doesnt work. I see and hear less of the Ladies in a way, but it is more that I am not coming to them all the time. I do pray and meditate, they seem pleased. Pills doesnt work so well anymore, I think it is cause I need deal with the reason I am so depressed, panicy, suicidal, unhappy about life- working, hard to accomplish stuff, fullfill my dreams, challenges, harsh boring reality. It doesnt get more fun, then one makes it. I miss sun, if the sun is up, I rarely gets to see it, cause I am working, and often quit when it is gone, or setting. So seeing Sun God Lugh twice a week and greet each morning at my morning devotion to the Goddesses helps I think. He is so great. It is so dark in my world otherwise,okay it may not be a bad thing for others but totally darkness is deep depression for me. I yearn for the light, mybe one day I will live there, be happy.
