some insights, nothing new, but something that is more healthy to see things

After writing much I feel that I can see more the real reasons to my anxiety panic, it was easier to think They didnt care enough, wanted me to be miserable... Then to deal with the issues. I do decide what to feel and react although I may not be aware of it. I have choice, it may not be good ones, but still a choice. I decide over my life- first I disagreed totally and felt like yeah right The Morrigan and others will object to that. Cause in my opinion earlier The Goddesses are the ones who rules over me. I have no say, therefor I dont give a damn either. I am doomed... you know the drill. You have heard it before. So after writing and writing about it over and over, then do astanga after that meditate-do the morning devotion. It became more and more clear tó me that their words are advices mostly, like it is good for my health to eat certain things- like veggie juices, fresh pineaple, sweet orange, do yoga for my chakra, be outside but it feels like I am doing it for the Goddess who has advised it. When it is for my own benefit. Same with my magic and art, Things get clearer when I do paint with Ceridwen or managed to get really deep in meditation during the fullmon last week. I think I am a bit too focused on to hear them that I dont hear much at all. Which brings more confusion.

(no subject)

I feel awful and even more those days every second week I need to meet Cernunnus. Cause I feel fooled. So I brougth up our agreement, my issues of severe panic those days in that week. He claims that He is helping me, wants to work with me. Be a part of my life. He seem to think I will be more accepting of that when I know Him better. I feel that I am in confinement. My theraphyst says that I rule my life, i dont have to have those in my life I dont want to, we were discussing my flashbacks and anxiety. Btw I am not Bipolar but have PTSD and the panic syndrome, depression. I didnt say that i feel compelled and ruled by gods. I seem to like like Male Gods much more when they arent in my life when I dont meet them, dont have any committments to them. I feel and fear that I am being used, being screwed over. The constant feeling of MaleGods cant be trusted. Cause I feel cheated and betrayed of some gods from the past. Not from Cernunnus personally but I see no reason why this would be different. The fact that They dont see it as that They did that to me says much about their arrogance and ignorance. I will use my morning paiges to write more about that see what really happened. I must have missed something. I really dont wish to dwell in it, but something about comittment to MaleGods having to come to Him every second week besides at sabbats is making me feel so panicy, depressed like all joy, light happiness is gone. Have I felt this before - yes many times, i tend to find away to escape leave that God- solved the issue? Most likely no. So I guess I need to deal with it, not run away. Cernunnus is gonna stay no matter what.