(no subject)

It went well to do the Drawing down the moon with Ceridwen and paint afternoon and evening on saturday. I didnt get panic until the end where I was so tired and wanted to sleep. So that is a positive sign, I have gotten some input and suggestion on what´focus on until next time we meet. I felt a bit sad in the beginning cause I used to do this with Morgana but I hope I will do it with Her again. Ceridwen painted nature with my oil colurs, I suppose She will finish them next time. I was a bit distracted and such during the painting. I think it will get better the more I do it with Her. I work with Morgana more on health issues inspired and pushed to exercise, yoga and some magic stuff. Actually similar to what I do with The Morrigan.

Tomorrow I will meet Cernunnus. I have seen Him every second week for a couple of months. Sometimes I feel more into it, mostly not. I think there are some misunderstandings there, I know what He wants and expects from me. I just dont see my benefits of it, still havent gotten the money or jobs I thought I was promised. So it is a bit blurry. I did turn to Him when my yearn for Jesus and Lucifer got too strong in the fall. I mean what can you expect from me if They mention ALF and SHAC to me, come on it is like showing a big bone to a doggy. I so wanted to be with Then, and would if I wasnt too angry with Them. The downside of it is that I only know is real if They come to me really strong that causes severe panic. I am not really interested in any of Them. Being tempted is the same. So in a way it is more healthy for me to be with Cernunnus. I see that know. Cause He also wants me to be an activist. He inspires me to action. I can be a bit lazy. It is easier when someone expects one to do it. Not that I dont care enough, it is more that I question my own actions to have any meaning. I far too easy make exuses of not going but do feel better after doing something active, meet the others in the animal rightsalliance.

Since I dont have much trust in Cernunnus at all, It can be the reason my magic with Him didnt work at the fall. I have gotten a few books about druidism and celtic shamanism, they seem very interesting but I dont have energy or desire to read or even practise-having trouble getting started as always. So I thought I will let Him guide me with the books, on what to start with. Then we will have something to do more then me yelling and accussing, moping around. Try to get Him out of my life. Which makes me shiver with anxiety when He come. I appologize alot. I think the books will good. It is of ash, hoof and thorn by dj conway and living druidry Emma Restarr Corr, ok I know they arent the best authors and sources but the books are pretty well written, and the exercises seem fun. I am not that interested that I need to dig deep into the true source It is not I am not interested but more that I have serveral things on my plate and dont feel so well all the time that I feel I have the energy to dig deep enough. I am sure there are some truths in those books.

Thoughts about my illness

I have been using the leopard jaspis and kundalini for depressed and bipolar anxiety dissorder for a week, I feel much better. So whatever I have is under controle now, but then again I havent felt triggered by stress, rage either. I have gotten an appointment to a shrink on wednesday. I will write down everything I feel experience during stress, panic anxiety stuff. So that I wont forget anything. Cause it is when I am overloaded with stress, when I am overwhealmed, it is hard to cope with everyday stuff my illness gets free/rules me. As long as I do yoga and meditation, art I am somewhat protected, but I have notice that the illnes and stress gets stronger, and loads of stuff are coming up with kundalini chakra yoga. So it will be good for me to have someone to talk to, about the stressful, darker things. My Patroness The Morrigu, is One who challenge us to face pain, illness, fears, darkness whatever that is in our way for us to be strong and healthy. I have heard I may never get really healthy, but loads of stuff can get better. Like coping with stuff, stress, not escape. When I have done online tests It seems like I am depressed, somewhat manic and anxious. But not always. I am getting heathier but since my theraphy is yoga- kundalini for both chakras and depression, bipolar, panic anxiety, herbs and stones. It takes time, it will be good to have someone to talk too. In a way dont see that I need it. But I will be open, if it can help preventing those dark episodes I had two weeks ago, which seem to come more often, I would be happy and grateful.