just thinking things over

[camillanightshade]

I have so many thougths on my mind, so many feelings. Much confusion. I am working on crown chakra now. And I should feel more at ease, peaceful, in harmony with universe, love and compassion from the Gods. But I dont. I just feel demands, eternal misery, suffering. It is weird. I am going to pilgrimage to be with the Goddesses. I am doing almost everything I am being demanded to do. After I wrote the story of my life. I got that I wrote about in my last blog. That I shouldnt paint for a couple of months. It just gets worser and worser. I am a nervous wreak, so much panic which gives me physical symptoms as well. So my fears and inner demons are still alive then. It is possible that The Morrigan and Morgana are showing me this by making me see and hear stuff, demands which could Include that I paint or draw.

Why do I have this? Why cant I have normal relationship with Gods who are close to me? The Gods always seem much more nice, understand compassionate loving until i get close to them/call upon them serveral times a week. Then they soon feel very demanding, harsh and cruel. Always want offerings, that really bugs me cause if I dont get anything I am not willing to just give and give offerings to them either. Even if they are gods who have rights to demand everything they want from me. I do feel that I am not willing to give any kind of offerings if I am not aloud to do art.

I have noticed, that Rhiannon and Ceridwen rarely asks anything from me, They want me to paint and draw.  They  dont seem to see it as neccessarry, not sure. Could be wishful thinking to have someone on my side. How do one find peace in ife and with gods, universe? I have heard by surrender, but that would be like giving up. Perhaps I will feel better after my journey, have gotten a better picture of my path on what the gods want. So much focus on what they want. What about what i want I need.

Comments

[emberleo]

This is a gentle reminder not to get locked into yes/no mode.

You can ask questions. You can negotiate. You can even say "No, that doesn't work for me. If there's a reason for it, we should work out some other way of addressing that reason."

Assume it's not an order. Assume it's advice.

--Ember--

[camillanightshade]

Thanks for the reminder. I shouldnt waiste time and energy on hating them fueling my anger and pain with old loops and that they are harsh and cruel to me. I am just dumb, never thought they would go this far, be so harsh when I do everything for them, are going to the goddess temple, give them offerings. They take that for granted, cause I should do it, but see no reason to be kind to me, treat me well anymore. To hear the gods is both a blessing and a curse is some ways.

[emberleo]

You're not dumb.

It does sound like you're winding yourself up again, though. Be careful - that's not going to help regardless of the situation.

--Ember--

[camillanightshade]

Thanks, I will keep it in mind. I try to remember that Rhiannon, Artemis and Ceridwen support me in continuing my art. They support me, and I have crossed the line and spoken a bit to Virgin Mary as well. I know bad of me, but it felt good to talk to her, then it was easier to talk to Artemis about my art which was great. I have spoken a bit to The Morrigan and Morgana, I focus on other things then the pain and anger of their unkind advice, it helped by being with Gods that support my art.

[emberleo]

Why is it bad of you to talk with Mary?

--Ember--

[camillanightshade]

I dont know, I just assume The Morrigan and/or Morgana would mind. They have no reason to be jealous, I just seem to need Mary sometimes. It is just talking, and it makes me feel better, it is not like Mary tries to take me away from the Goddesses. I just tend feel a bit more hopeful, that the stuff may not be that bad and I slowly gets to see things in another way.

[emberleo]

Then I see no reason to assume it's bad to talk to Mary.

--Ember--