Boredom

[camillanightshade]

It have been a rough week, no sugar, no coke. Loads of exercising, which is very hard cause I am in a bad shape so I need to stop every second minute to catch my breath, drink loads of water often so that I wont pass out. It gets better at the crosstrainer which is the hardest one. My stationary bike goes well to train on, I am on the highest level there now. I am not in the near state where exercising feels good. It will come about a few weeks or a month. When I have lost more weight, are able to exercise for hours without feeling I am gonna break down. I have had loads of anxiety, panic as well being so pissed this week. I usually eat tons of chocolate and drink gallions of coke during these circumstance-my way of dealing with it. I suppose it is a victory but it doesnt feel like that at all. Cause all I want is to eat, kill the pain, panicattacks and rage. It is a phase it will go away, become easier to deal with it. I know that is normal to not eat eat sweets and drink coke every day. It is slow and hard to exercise in the beginning. It is just so boring. I am eating more healthy and will stick to my diet and exercising no matter what, but I will allow myself to eat a few pieces of chocolate once a week. I have done magic to save the wolves and other animals. Have send strength and power to other activist outthere fighting for animals and the nature.

I have only lost 3 pounds in two weeks, the same as nothing. So I felt annoyed and grumpy and I crashed a bit ate some sweets with my mum and sister watched a romantic move called the Note Book. At the evening I bough frozen berries, chocolate and coke. It tasted good, not as wonderful as in my mind, but it rarely does when I am getting less and less of something. That confuses me and makes me eat and drink more until I get the sugarkick. I dont feel bad or guilty for eating drinking, forbidden or not. I see it more as something I deserve. I realize The Gods may not like it, but I doubt they will bring it up. I dint wanna live my life like that, obeying all the time, not think for myself, not do what I wanna do. I see no reason to be obediant all the time. I realize not all Gods may like that. but those I follow seem to accept and love me as I am. Tomorrow or actually today since it is already sunday here although in the middle of the night. I will paint with Ceridwen. That will be great, I wonder if my dark moods this isnt caused from the dark moon spell I did, getting ride of negativity and such. A thought I suppose. It was nice to be outside today I must go out more even if there is no sun. I have notice this week that I hate my body and myself at times so much that I barely takes care of it. It is a bit sad in a way. I am not of lesser worth then others. I will try to care and love myself more. Nothing gets better with hating myself. Or beating myself cause of failures, or that I am not good enough in art, exercising etc. Practise makes perfect.

Comments

[jensurvivor]

I think what you're doing is really great. It seems that you are exercising and avoiding sugar for the sake of your own health, but that when you break down and have some sugar it is because you don't want to seem too obedient, and because you are frustrated that the gods might be trying to control you. The two don't really go together in my mind? That's not why you're doing it...

[camillanightshade]

Thanks, I eat cause wanna eat. And yes if see others eat sweets why shouldnt I? If I can handle it with eating once a week I am good, cause it is far better then eating it every day. It isnt my goal to never eat sweets, it never will be. I am keeping away from it cause I wanna loose weight. I realize that The Morrigan may not like it, but it is my life, and I do what I wanna do. What The Morrigan is mostly against with my sweets and coke is that I tend to overuse it, to kill/soothe my pain and anger, anxiety and panic, depression with it. I can understand that, but with eating once a week I dont do that. By eating once a week I have something to look for into. If I dont with others I will eat ten times more alone. It is hard enough to not use st johns wort pills, or other medications to sooth my panic and depression. I dont wanna be without sweets for forever. I dont care enough about my health I suppose. It is not dangerous for me as it is now much reduced. Earlier when i ate a couple pounds sweets each day with a gallion of coke I can admit it cant be healthy in the long run. If I was skínny I would eat chocolate and the sweets all day long, lol. Hmm that I what I used to do. I suppose i find life a bit boring and sweets make it easier, you know just another exuse to eat. But for once I dont feel the urge or need to eat after saturday. So it seems like my addiction are under controle.

[jensurvivor]

As long as you know your limits. What I am suggesting is, do what you are doing for your own reasons, for why you want to, and don't let the gods bother you!

[camillanightshade]

Thanks, I will do that.