The Samhain week

[camillanightshade]

It was nice in the sun at Brosarp last sunday, it was only one degree over zero. But somehow it felt very warm in the sun, so I was in the sun as much as possible. Lugh was there with me, it made it warmer. I got some visions of him carrying me ib the darkness, The Ladies was walking beside us as well.

On monday i did a fullmoonritual, it was hard to be focused, was so anxious for some unknown reason so I did some of it on tuesday instead.

On wednesday and thursday I celebrated samhain,did rituals i offered big red roses, red wine to The Ladies Morgana and Morrigan. It was nice, I think they enjoyed it too. On thursday evening I tried to cleanse my ear with some drops o get out wax. It didnt work I lost my hearing, it was just as bad on friday. It was hard to be working be around others not being able to hear, I was so anxious, I was so embarressed and ashamed. How could it happen? The people at work were very kind, it was hard to communicate. I got an doctors appointment cause my deafness wouldnt go away, I was so panicy so I froze. I didnt end the work, i thought i get back later when i can hear. I didnt call my boss as I should have. As if it was bad enough that I wasnt able to hear, the voices came loud and aggressively, as well as flashbacks thoughts about my past where I was tormented, bullied for having hearing problem, hearing thing long after I stopped using the hearing thing. It was so dreadful. How could this happen, why I am always being challenged tormented like this, and when I am at the worst as well. It isnt right, it isnt fair.

I got my hearing back when I was at the doctor, and it really was alot of wax in my ear. So much that it took a long time for the nurse and doctor to get it out. I was so happy when I could hear. I went back to work to fix the last things. My boss was there and angry.

Yesterday and sunday i felt like crap, it is so hard to accept these things happens, that voices may never go away forever cause they are a part of me, and anxiety panicy times thevoices comes and it gets worser and worser. She admitt She pushes them forward I hate Her for this, I dont care what the challenges are what Her reason is, I am sick of being tormented being Her plaything. Life is hell.I did all she wanted, I had much offerings... I know it is not the same, and it doesnt matter what I do, say. She is doing what She wants with me, no wonder She doesnt wanna share with others. I was so upset so sucicidal. Lugh and later Loki came they were very kind. Loki said some interesting things as suggestions. It was more or less about breaking the cycle of being this depending-kneeling begging for mercy-rebellion, I should not be so affected by lifes happening so insecure that I believe bad things happen to cause I stand up to Her. It was embarressing to talk about but I was so low, hated everything that I was glad someone was with me, I was surprised about his love and care.

Comments

[jensurvivor]

He's right in a sense. If you're having rituals (and spending money on them) in order to gain some result (such as mercy from being tested by life) then it's going to be a waste of time and money. It does sound like you enjoyed the rituals in their own right and felt a connection. That's really all you can expect from them.

The situation sounds normal: you have experienced trauma, you were triggered by a situation and you had flashbacks. It's not because of begging or not begging and I don't think it's even a lesson or to make your healing go faster or anything to do with the Ladies. You have a condition and it has symptoms.

[camillanightshade]

Yeah, you are right in that. It is hard to acceot that I have these conditions, illness. But it is about time i do that, as well as They will not remove it from me. I am on my own with the conditions. I prefore fantasy over life in reality, it is so harsh.