Loki

A little more then 2 months ago I called on Loki for the first time ever. I was curious and fascinated and wanted to talk to the God behind the face of the actor in Avengers, Thor. Talking to others devoted to Him, some people pretending to be him... I hesitated a long time, then I felt so silly, what was it to be so afraid of really? Thor and Morrigan would shield me no matter what.

So I called on Loki. It wasnt as I aspected it to be. I am used to Gods being quite interested and friendly when I approach them. Okay not everyone is like Thor or Lugh that greets me with bear hug every time, lol. Okay dont get me wrong, Loki wasnt cruel or mean He was friendly enough just not so easy going, and not impressed by me it seemed like. I asked a few questions, He was very determent and not much willing to answer He made that very clear. I seemed to annoy Him, sO I asked if He wanted something? and thanked Him for coming.

I called on Thor and The Morrigan right after cause I wanted to shake of the odd feelings. I whined a bit, I could hear Her laughing, it felt great to be with those that loves me, takes care of me. I got a friend from Brazil that is devoted to Loki. She has some issues and needed someone to talk too.

A few weeks Loki came to me at work. I ignored him, I had much to do, but agreed to talk to Him as soon as I got home. I bought some veggie juice to have as offering. On the bus home i got a vision Loki touched my shoulders, I stood close to Thor behind Him, leaning on Him. I felt safe, knew that Thor would defend me if something would happen. After the vision and Loki started to talk to me as I walked hope I got an severe panikattack, it was hard to remain in control of my senses. This is nothing rare when I am to encounter Gods I dont know to well/or if I fear The God/ have done something wrong.

At home I made some tea to calm my senses then took a bath, got some weird thoughts of that I would drown there, no one would find me until it was too late. At first I got shocked but then got a feeling that Loki was tired of waiting for me. I called on both Thor and The Morrigan first then on Loki. safety first. This time Loki was more friendly. I asked about that. He just said He changed his mind. I said I like to a painting of Him or what was it He who requested it? Dont remember. He wanted to take me for a walk in the underworld, just Him and me. I was like okay... I tried to be as tough as possible, refused to be a scared little girl. I couldnt control my anxiety. So I couldnt do that journey that day, I have tried a few times later on, but I freak out of panicattacks each time. I will do it again another time.

Only two weeks to my artshow...

It is a about a month since I have gotten the chance of having the artshow that is in two weeks now. I am both exited and nervous. I feel blessed and grateful. Everything would be terrific if it wasnt for these things. My anxiety and panic has gotten much worser. I am filled with doubts, scared of making a fool of myself. My panic and anxiety his high, so it is hard to focus, get to easily distracted. It is really rough when one has a full time job, but somehow I made the best of it.

Last weekend I was my mums house, my sister said she doesnt care about going to see my art even if I pay her a dinner and the trip, that hurts me. But she is like that. So no big deal really although it annoys me that I need to accept it, cause I would never even think about doing the same to her. But she doesnt care if she hurts me or not. She started to praise my dad, telling us how wonderful he is. my mum seemed to agree. And since my sister has been there this summer and at other times, they are both so positive about him now days. I reminded them of all the cruel things he did to us. I told them about what he did to me when we were alone. Those two started to defend him. Saying it wasnt true, I was making it up, that I overreacted, had the wrong view of him. I talked about the bulling as well. It made me cry, none of them comforted me, even tried to understand me. I kept on defending myself, telling what happened. We kept on like this for 2-3 hours. Then I went home.

I was so exhausted a nervous wreak after this. all memories had gotten back both from the bulling and all that my dad did to me. I was a total mess the next few days. I had trouble working doing anything. Which is very annoying cause a few weeks before the show I have so much to do. All stress made me a bit sick so I called in sick a few days with with eye infection and infection on my lips. I have gotten medication and painkillers but the pain in my mouth is awful, I cant eat, I can barely drink , everything that cames near these huge wounds causes so much pain that I almost pass out. Since the throat is where the anxiety and panic feels in the body which is pretty to my mouth it is like the pain trigger my anxiety and panic very much. This is the fourth day it is like this. And as it wasnt enough it is very hard for me to do anything, I have much stuff that needs to be ready. Stuff I wanna paint, I wanna have at the artshow. I work as hard as I can. So hopefully it will be okay,I feel I have my best art at the show. I have made presentations cards, and will have a note about each painting. I am doing what I can to make it as successfull as possible. I am scared to fail, be failure, be a loser a again. Let the world see what an dumbass I am. I feel like that. But I do everything to work on it, only when I am successful I can like myself.

I think this a challenge from the Morrigan, where I actively have to force myself through layers of pain and anxiety to do art, for my goal- the art show. Cause I cant stand the thought of not give my everything, do my very best and more than that, do what I can I hope that this artshow is only the beginning of more artistic experiences. I hope and pray that the pain will be gone soon, and it will be easier for me to do things. When it comes to my family we still argue, I avoid them a bit cause I cant handle it right now. They dont wanna believe how cruel my dad was to me. For now we dont talk about it all, and wont be seeing them so often I think. Once a week is too much.