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Aug. 21st, 2012 07:47 pmThe Lady Morrigan said a few weeks ago, when I was in trance that She is pushing the voices delusions as well as the anxiety up to the surface, so that I shall overccome it, be free from it one day. This felt awful cause I cant defeat it,,, I dont think so anyway. They are too strong, the panic attacks anxiety gets worser then, it happens when I am exhausted stressed out mostly. Okay pushing stuff/issues up to the surface isnt something unusual for Her. She has done it with fears, emotions, traumas and such.
It seemed like it wasnt that much worser then it is usually is. I feel more confident, doing stuff. I find easier to not trust or belive everything I hear as truth, as from the Gods. Which is something I have had trouble with for many years- the critical thinking of everything one hear. I think that is why the voices so easy fool me, rule cause I so deseperately wanna hear Them,,, I am more used to accept that I may not hear anything, feel anything. Just trusting that They hear me are with me. If I have good times- no depression , anxiety panic attacks for weeks I dont have these issues, it was a long time ago since it was like that now.
I am just tired of all the challenges, I dont think I can defeat the voices, so they will be gone. It would be so easy tell the doctor all about it, get pills like serquel or abilify(or what it is called). It would all be gone. But what if it kills the creativity as well? It seems like the creativity, selfconfidence, the self and voices steem from the same place. With medication I would suppress it all. And it would be ten times worser when i stopped taking the pills. Okay I am allowed to take such pills either. I dont want to supress myself. I suppose that is why The Lady feel that it is a good time to deal with the voices overcome it now that i have my art to live for, focus on the artshow and take the paroxetine which is helping me a bit. It is easier to move on, do things.
I have just started kickbox, The Morrigan wanted it as newmoon offering and wants me to do it twice a week for serveral months, where I both kick and box in a gym, it is a bit triggering. But also very fun, and the positive feelings and stuff outwigh the bad things, it is rare i find that in exercise, sport and such, and especially if I am around others. It is hard when one has the social phobia. I am happy that I have finally started this, which I have been wanting a long time but always chickened out.
It seemed like it wasnt that much worser then it is usually is. I feel more confident, doing stuff. I find easier to not trust or belive everything I hear as truth, as from the Gods. Which is something I have had trouble with for many years- the critical thinking of everything one hear. I think that is why the voices so easy fool me, rule cause I so deseperately wanna hear Them,,, I am more used to accept that I may not hear anything, feel anything. Just trusting that They hear me are with me. If I have good times- no depression , anxiety panic attacks for weeks I dont have these issues, it was a long time ago since it was like that now.
I am just tired of all the challenges, I dont think I can defeat the voices, so they will be gone. It would be so easy tell the doctor all about it, get pills like serquel or abilify(or what it is called). It would all be gone. But what if it kills the creativity as well? It seems like the creativity, selfconfidence, the self and voices steem from the same place. With medication I would suppress it all. And it would be ten times worser when i stopped taking the pills. Okay I am allowed to take such pills either. I dont want to supress myself. I suppose that is why The Lady feel that it is a good time to deal with the voices overcome it now that i have my art to live for, focus on the artshow and take the paroxetine which is helping me a bit. It is easier to move on, do things.
I have just started kickbox, The Morrigan wanted it as newmoon offering and wants me to do it twice a week for serveral months, where I both kick and box in a gym, it is a bit triggering. But also very fun, and the positive feelings and stuff outwigh the bad things, it is rare i find that in exercise, sport and such, and especially if I am around others. It is hard when one has the social phobia. I am happy that I have finally started this, which I have been wanting a long time but always chickened out.
