An update

[camillanightshade]

It was awful yesterday. I have been working since monday cause my coworker is on vacation so I am filling in for her, which is good but. Some days there are so much to do, that I have to work for 10-12 hours in row, sometimes it is 13-14 hours like yesterday. It is just once or twice a week, but it gets harder and harder to take it. My paniclevels are getting higher and higher sometimes I even lost touch with reality for a few minutes when i havent been at home, that is scary. I fear it will last and I will go psychotic. Then I wont be able to controle myself. So I have once again tried to get theraphy. Not that it would help, i dont have much faith in theraphy, that wont prevent whatever is happening but I have notice that talking seem to reduce it for awhile, not that it helps in the long run, cbt doesnt work on this since I dont have any thoughts, more like some dark panicy consuming feelings experience. The knowledge of that a overdoze of stress and panic can cause phychosis doesnt help. I have questioned The Morrigan if it is really for mý benefit to do this kundalini yoga for my chakra 3 times a week. She claims it is neccessary. Brigid and Rhiannon agrees with Her, no surprise. Apparently I am doing so well in Their eyes that The Morrigan wants me to do it three times a week now. I could refuse, but She push me, try to talk me into it, it would take longer to explain why, argue about then doing it. if I do astanga yoga before it, the kundalini yoga is pretty smoothly. My problem is that some days like yesterday I had work for 13h and It was very hard do yoga after that. Having Her here with me all time to make sure I can handle it, do what I should do. It is very generous of Her, although sometimes it can be to much. I need space. I dont hear much it is more the sense and feeling of that She is near. Which is good although sometimes I ask to be left alone. I think She is still in the background. Another thing is also that in worst, most panicy stressful times if i am outside, it is like I need Her to survive, make it through. It is weird in a way I have those other Goddesses as well, I do try to call on them as well. Cause I want the balance between light and dark Goddesses. It is better like that.

I have contacted the union for I have right to get overtime payments, my boss, the old owners to the bakery refuses to give me that. That hurts, they just use me, thinking I am too dumb/afraid to say no. I dont mind working long hours, but if I have right to get extra money for it I want that. I tried to take it with my boss, but she refused to listen. I am only good enough when I can work. It is my coworker that made me call the union. She did that and got overtime payed cause our boss refused to pay her as well in the beginning. I am a bit anxious of going to work next week, meeting my boss, the union will come as well. I will most likely be confronted with that I have called the union, my boss may even be so pissed that I will loose her as reference. If that is the case, she cant really have cared about me, and wanted to help me get another job as she has said. Cause if she just like me as silent and work alot without complaining, without wanting the pay I deserve. She doesnt care at all. Well she is my boss, so who would have thought that anyway. Earlier years in these situations I have put on either a warning spell-which follows with a simple curse if I dont get my rights or a Dark Mother justice spell wher I ask some of those darker Goddesses I follow to get justice. The main reason why I havent even been thinking of creating justice with magic myself is that Ceridwen has said refuses to paint with me if I do retribution magic, and I have promised Her and the other Goddesses that I wont do it. I must say it seems like it isnt worth it, cause I still get in these situations where i need to confront people, and I get so sick after doing retribution magic. Ok if I am really healthy no big deal, just when I get in similar later it is harder cause I havent learned the lesson, to stand up for myself, fight for my right in a just way. If I would do retribution nowdays I would break my promises to the Ladies, dont have Ceridwen to paint with(I have no doubt She is serious about leaving me, if I do) I am already in to fragile shape to handle it- more sickness would end up in hospital perhaps I dont know, it isnt worth risking it. It feels like I need to learn the lesson, so I have confronted my boss, talked to the union. I will do some darkmoon spell this weekend to ask for justice and get ride of negative energies coming my way, and around me, in me. ok, ok i dont know if i will do the justice spell- ask the Goddesses to help me, make things right. But i like to do something to help my odds.

Comments

[jensurvivor]

YEs it's funny your boss is acting this way when she seemed so well adjusted earlier. It may be that owners higher up than her are making her do it to save money, I worked at a place like that once. I think it's great you're fighting for what you are due. What happened with your coworker when ze fought? Can you ask if ze lost a reference or if your boss is acting differently?

When you say you lost touch with reality do you mean you are missing time? Did you feel like your surroundings were derealized? Do you mean that you had delusions that you know aren't real? Did you hallucinate?

What do you mean when you say "psychosis"

The more I learn about the system the more I wonder if you couldn't get onto disability support given your panic, flashbacks, and what they would call hallucinations. Maybe they decidednot to when you were unemployed but maybe it would be different if you tried. If that is what you want of course. If you are breaking because of extra stress it is an indication that you are not perfectly healthy, that might be something to say.

your coworker *will* come back from vacation and this will end. I think you're doing very well. You cancall me if you need to, but if you leave a message send an email as well because I'm not very good at checking messages.

[camillanightshade]

YEs it's funny your boss is acting this way when she seemed so well adjusted earlier. It may be that owners higher up than her are making her do it to save money, I worked at a place like that once. I think it's great you're fighting for what you are due. What happened with your coworker when ze fought? Can you ask if ze lost a reference or if your boss is acting differently?

I will do that, I think she is the same but not sure. if my boss would still be a good reference i dont know, time will tell.

When you say you lost touch with reality do you mean you are missing time? Did you feel like your surroundings were derealized? Do you mean that you had delusions that you know aren't real? Did you hallucinate? Well in the worst cases the surroundings may disappear for while, get shorter blackouts. I think the panic and such just takes over for awhile. I just stare´for awhile, getting nothing done, it is very embarressing. Earlier I heard "gods" speak to me, nowdays I have learned to see the difference from what is false and what is true. But it is annoying when I am unsure, it would be better if some Gods stayed away, left me alone, but i suppose I need to learn to see the difference between reality and delusion during harsh stressful times as well.

What do you mean when you say "psychosis"

I mean a hallucination with no end, a phase when one is completly lost into insane world for months-even years. Where there is nothing left of the reality. I have heard it is a risk in times of huge amount of stress. Perhaps it is just a fear. Perhaps I am stronger than I think, it is just so unlike me to confront bosses, contact union and such. It is a new experience, it feels a bit scary. And on top of it all to agree to be with Gods who cause me panic. Meet Cernunnus every second week, how could I agree on that. Ok, it is nothing bad, we just talk, do magic and I do some activist stuff. I just often feel too tired, and not so interested in being with Him, cause I dont see any benefit of it, but it is too early to say. It feels strange to call someone Lord havent done that since I was a christo pagan. It is not bad, just different. I think I am just a bit paranoid at times.

The more I learn about the system the more I wonder if you couldn't get onto disability support given your panic, flashbacks, and what they would call hallucinations. Maybe they decidednot to when you were unemployed but maybe it would be different if you tried. If that is what you want of course. If you are breaking because of extra stress it is an indication that you are not perfectly healthy, that might be something to say.

In these hard times in Sweden no, i wouldnt, even if I had gotten schizophrenia or cancer I may be forced to work, many people who are far more sick then me are forced to work, look for work. If the socialists democrats ruled Sweden I would be seen as too sick too work I think.

your coworker *will* come back from vacation and this will end. I think you're doing very well. You cancall me if you need to, but if you leave a message send an email as well because I'm not very good at checking messages.

Thanks. You are right it will end soon, I am just anxious over how my boss will react when the union has spoken to her next week. She will confront me but I wont back down. It is good that the union are taking me serious, I have send in all my papers.

[jensurvivor]

I don't think you can get hallucinations for the rest of your life from a stressful period, no. From what you tell me it sounds like you've been having these periods where your surroundings dissapear before, for a long while now?

Once you get through this union and overtime process I think you will be stronger for it. I think it's terriffic.

[camillanightshade]

I think so too. The periods have been heavier and lasted longer. If i am home I can take a nap-cause that is what help in that moment, outside that isnt possible. I may get stronger by enduring these periods and try to remember to stay calm(which I forget often) But practise makes perfect. The weird thing is that I have an ability to be in two worlds/places at once. I can be in the real world function somewhat good and have these strange experiences at the same time. It is when the insane world/thoughts/feelings or whatever one wishes to call it- gets to strong, I get very paranoid I feel insane. It is hard to explain. Cause I have use of the other place as well it is also a portal where I can speak to The Goddesses and hear them. The big difference is that with real connection to them, They make me feel better and more grounded. The Goddesses cuts through it, makes it disappear. I suppose it is created by my unconsciousness for some reason. I know this sounds very confusing, I cant find the right words to explain it.