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Week of Beltane
May. 6th, 2012 06:45 amit is been a hard week. These times around Beltane are usually hard for me, but it was a long since it was as bad as this year. Yet I got more attention and comfort from The Gods then I usually get around this time. Beltane is the time for love, beauty, sex. I usually feel so embarressed, unloved, unwanted and ugly of just existing.This is a time of pain for me, feeling so aloof, estranged. On monday the beltane day I cried much, Thor came by last weekend, that was great, comforting. On tuesday the mayday I went to the hills of Brosarp, that was wonderful, hot wheather for once, very sunny. Yesterday and today has been painful as well, crying much. Since i have been more with Rhiannon, I think this has been a time of some healing transformation. Old wounds and memories coming up to the surface I suppose, no images more very depressive sucidal thoughts, broken dreams heart.
For about two weeks I have called on The Morrigan each morning, shadowed Her every day at work, to be stronger, more powerful. It works very well. I feel more confident, say what I feel. people leaves me alone. My boss is more cooperative. I am less sensitive at work. Perhaps my huge sadness and pain is a side effect from that as well. Like it gets up to the surface easier when I am with Rhiannon. It is hard to explain. I wonder when this healing processing will be over. I suppose it will continue coming and going. It wou´ld probably be easier if I wasnt unwilling to express my pain with art and poetry. I have done it a bit this week so it is a bit better. I just feel that I have dwellt so much in the darkness/depression, my misery broken dreams, unrequited love already that should be enough. But since I am still suffering, I guess I havent done it enough.
For about two weeks I have called on The Morrigan each morning, shadowed Her every day at work, to be stronger, more powerful. It works very well. I feel more confident, say what I feel. people leaves me alone. My boss is more cooperative. I am less sensitive at work. Perhaps my huge sadness and pain is a side effect from that as well. Like it gets up to the surface easier when I am with Rhiannon. It is hard to explain. I wonder when this healing processing will be over. I suppose it will continue coming and going. It wou´ld probably be easier if I wasnt unwilling to express my pain with art and poetry. I have done it a bit this week so it is a bit better. I just feel that I have dwellt so much in the darkness/depression, my misery broken dreams, unrequited love already that should be enough. But since I am still suffering, I guess I havent done it enough.
