(no subject)

It has been a few rough weeks. Last week I did a reading for myself during the fullmoon. the cards werent so good. The cards shown that I acted selfish, immature,negelecting I just took and dont give in relationships. Which made me feel like crap. I double checked it, I got the same cards with the lords card as well. So started thinking, i am unwilling uninterested in Cernunnus, dont see Him as good for me more like the opposite. I was like okay, okay I may be a bit too stubborn. I felt guilty. After all it is summer, and it is the time it is easiest to be around Male Gods. So I thought I would give it another shot at Litha this week. I am very broke and on monday I had to sell books to afford food. Somehow I forgot that I needed food, cause I felt Cernunnus presence, and told me what he would appriciate me get for Him. Without even thinking anything further I did that cause I was told I would get money on wednesday. In the evening i had nice time with Cernunnus I got so euphoric I almost paniced. It was very nice. On tuesday I started to worry alot. What had I done? Buying gold candles and stuff as offerings but no food for myself...What if I didnt get any money, I would starve the gods wouldnt careless cause they got what they wanted, who would care about me... With these thoughts it was hard to do rituals at Litha on tuesday and working was hard as well. On Wedenesday my panic anxiety reached hysterical level cause i didnt get any money. At least I could eat at work. It was hard to focus, but it work went well. In the evening i wasnt willing to talk to the gods felt very upset and cheated on, really screwed. On thursday I checked my accounts again in the morning, still no money. I was told by The Morrigan she would help me. I was like yeah right, like you care, like anyone care. When I got home I saw that I had gotten 25$ on my account that had been late from the union. I was very grateful still I feel that it was awful to be lured into buy what I did by Cernunnus. He acted callous and selfish in my eyes. He knows how easy I am. Just touch me and speak softly I do anything... I often act spend money on other stuff before on food to my self. Okay I got he money I needed so why am so cranky. I am that cause I loose my mind far too easy around some Male gods. That will be changed, from now on my needs comes first, offerings to gods after that. I just wonder how much more crap do I have to take, it shouldnt be this hard. And it is not worth it. Never again will I let this happen, I have had it now. So sad Summer solstice used to be my favorite time of the year. Hard to not feel what have I done to deserve this.