(no subject)

[camillanightshade]

I was in Hills of Brosarp at sunday, I have had dreams about ravens, eagles all week and hanging dead animals behind a wall to my workplace, the birds was in different dreams.I did my samhain rituals there and did the channeling that I was asked too. It went well. it felt scary to do rituals in the forests under the dark clouds. I felt anxious that it would become rain or thunder, or that I would be so lost after the trance that I wouldnt find my way back, or someone would harm me. All of that was just fears, The Lady spoke gentle to me, and I did the invocations right after the samhain ritual. I got some advices, She mentioned some improvement She wanted to see. Nothing bad, I just need to get things done more lol. I can need a kick in my butt at times:)

After the channeling She let go halvways where She more sitting next to me then being within me, I saw that the dark clouds were gone, it sunny, i could see the sky again. I got another vision about a wolf. He grabbed my arm and runaway with me. I see a kitten in a net, it was so unhappy, and wounded in the face, but  I was unable to come to her aid.  I felt connected to her. Either way the wolf took me to a bonfire where there were many wolves and domestic dogs. They gathered around me, they were  very upset, barked and groweled alot before they attacked, they attack a coat I was wearing, I got it of me quickly, watched the dogs and wolves tear it apart. I was naken and wounded, I took a bath in a lake swum with beavers. One of them layed on my tummy, it was so cute. Then I came back to myself. It must been through some change or transformation i think.

I havent had any energy to do much this week, then working took a cleansing bath yesterday. It is much stress at work, my boss is more mean then usual these past weeks. Sometimes I ask myself  how more shall I take, how much more shall I suffer there before i get the final nervous breakdon or the physcosis will take over. Is it really worth those 2400$ I have when tax is payed, it is getting harder, but I so want to travel, I so want take the art courses etc, So so far I am hangin in there. I ask the Ladies for strength and help alot, doing yoga so much is affecting me as well. It is hard to get up early to do the ashtanga yoga each day before work. The kundalini yoga was on the throat chakra at october so it was pretty bad, but I made it.  Sure I could have put my foot down and stopped but I want to be well one day.

Comments

[jensurvivor]

I hope one day you can talk with your boss about his behaviour.

[camillanightshade]

Thanks I have done that a bit, but he forgets it and doesnt seem to understand what I am saying. I havent brought it up more than twice, cause I have gotten a bonus on 1000$ on my salary last month, cause my last paycheck was so late. And last week I got to little money firt on salary but got compensated with 300$ more on the paycheck. With these extra money I feel good but also like i am being both bought but kept deoendent there for the moneysake, but it wont be much more extra money besides the salary i think. It does feel like he has some power over me. It shouldnt stop me from speaking my mind, let him know how his behaviour affects me, well all of us but no one else would dare to take my side there. My boss knows how to make everyone around feel like dirt, worthless, I will work on becoming stronger and hopefully i will be better at standing up to him.

[jensurvivor]

heh, you're probably right. Still, the extra money won't help much if you can't stay on this job because of stress. I wonder if you can recruit other workers to your side and stage an intervention?

I really do hope you can stay on. More and more I worry about your money situation, as I watch the direction of the world and especially Europe.

[camillanightshade]

Thanks for you care and concern. Yes it is harsh times, it is better to have a job then dont have one, I do miss my everlasting freetime. It is nice to have money, I do feel this these work issues are something I have more or less everywhere, and it seems like it is something i need to work through. Must be able to work without any kind of stimulantia or sedactie stuff in stressful enviroment for a long time- then I would have made it, succed the challenge according to The Lady.

It is possible that I will be able to get the others to take my side stand up with me one day. Or tell him myself when he(my boss) understands that his actions and pettiness is the reason people quit there, and I will quit as well one day if he continue this way. There are some stuff he is very picky, like at cake decorating mine is not good enough in his eyes, If I can manage to be better at that and a few other stuff, I think he would be nicer, cause then I would be far too precious to waiste away- taking the risk of loosing me, he may be willing to change his behaviour. It is not that I am not useful now but it seems like I bug him alot if I dont accomplish stuff as he wants it, he forgets that without me he would have no freetime at all. Sometimes he seems regrets his harsh words and want to me make it up to me. But it depends.

[jensurvivor]

Yeah
Cake decorating seems like a perfectionist art. But there's a right way and a wrong way to offer critical feedback. YOu can tell people ways to improve without making it about the person herself or using agressive manner or tone.

[camillanightshade]

That is so true. He doesnt get that his harsh tone and voice make anyone feel bad around him when he is angry or annoyed, the same is when he is pleased and happy, he seem to make everyone around him happy.

One can decorate cakes in many ways but my boss only approve his way. Yes it is indeed a perfectionist job.