camillanightshade

I never thought I could be able to forgive some persons, and even less see the benefit of their behaviour towards me. I am talking about my first two theraphysts. The first one was when i was in high school completely trashed me when I told her about my fantasies, my fantasy world. That made me very upset and devastated cause clearly it was something wrong with me cause I had this. So I never told any more theraphysts about my fantasies, or any hallucinations. The second theraphyst after that I had tried to commit suicide was even worser. She was against everything I liked to do. And when I mention that I was going to learn how to meditate, use chrystals her respond was that it was very dangerous and stupid of me to do. Guess what I did? Correct I did my best to be good at meditating, it took a long time but i loved it, I did get really good at it after serveral of years practising it every day. And chrystals was nice to work with. The most important thing was that I learned that I could do something good for myself, and I dont need anyones approval. I have told you about how she has trashed my art and my working abilities that teared me apart complety broke me down. But in someway I think it made me stronger and more persistent. Forcing myself to act as normal as possible, and used magic for the loops and pitfalls.

That saved me from getting much medications and a diagnosis that werent really true. Cause I was traumatized cause of all traumas and my fears of what the psychiatric and doctors would do to me. It is a relief that I got away from that. My response those years would be much different from how I would respond nowdays. I read about the dissorders every now and then see which rings true on what I have-then use stones and yoga and healing magic for it. Before I do anything I do reading and pray to The Goddesses for guidance and meditate. Cause when i pushed myself to hard to beat some stuff I got more depressed. Sometimes I just get a bit obsessed with stuff I dont really have, like schizophrenia affective dissorder or bipolar. Although telling a theraphyst but my psycic abilities that I hear and see stuff that others usually dont would be enough to get me that diagnoze along with my depression and anger especially 10-15 years ago, caused I may sounded more sick, less clear and able to speak up for myself. With strong medications I would just take the chance to kill myself over and over until I succeded. Cause in no way that I would see any good in taking medications and going to theraphy those days. It wasnt until much later when I had a bit better self confidence and realized that those mental health people doctors nurses theraphysts cant harm me. Mostly it is a waiste of time in my case to talk to them, it helps me in that I am less afraid of people more persistent in my yoga and meditation even in my magic practise. Cause I shall not loose this battle- become insane completly.

A funny thing is that in the early days when I talked to theraphyst the first time, meditation and yoga was seen as verydangerous- nothing for mentally ill to practise. These days everyone is encouraged to learn the mindfullness meditation, other meditation, relaxing tecniques and yoga are seen as good and healthy for everybody. Not sure I can see any benefit of the abusers, what they have done to me more then I will never become an angry drinking jerk as my dad, manipulate use others as I have been used. Well it is not like I would have done that if I hadnt been through my traumas. I have talked about my traumas and issues over and over. It has happen for such a long time I just wanna let it go, I am working on forgiving my abusers all that has harmed me to finally let go, cut the cords so that I am not linked to them, to move on, working on letting my pain and anger go. It will take time. I am not doing this cause I feel compelled or for the abusers sake. In my eyes they are lower then yesterdays trash and can rotten in hell for all I care if such an place of eternal punishment existed. I am doing this to one day be free from hate and anger that burns within and sometimes takes over.

Nature is a great healer like yoga is. Walking and biking in the countryside, near the lake in woods, woodlands just enjoy the nature-watch, meditate, draw paint listening to the birds is great. It is so peaceful so healing. Serenity and healing is what my wounded soul needs. Something huge is changed in me in Glastonbury when I did those Goddess pilgrimages, healing and releasing has been done. But it can take time before it is completly evolved, it is hard to explain. I am grateful that I have more strength and energy to bike more this year like had serveral years ago. It sucks that my cd players is broken and i cant afford buy a new one, but I wont let that stop me from biking, It is annoying in the city until I get out to the countryside. But I get used to it. I know I feel worser if i stay indoors when the sun is shining.