(no subject)

[camillanightshade]

it was great to be on vacation, had no issues with gods, my spiritual life was wonderful. After coming home, my issues came back. After having such a great time on my trip, I was left alone by the Male Gods I felt grateful for that and was willing to be with Cernunnus, Lugh, Odin,Thor. I drew mostly, was walking outside, got some advices and demands. Nothing strange or unusual with that. On the thursday night I did a tarot reading, the card said I was given bad advices, from untrustworthy sources, and that I had been delusional, all of this made me so angry, completely furious. Like if it isnt bad enough with their compelling presence, to be with them to hear that it is just fake a delusion. Cause I had followed some of the advices i got and it costed me money, It was upsetting when i did it in Wales, but I forgotten about it in Glastonbury, but last week it all came back. Okay it is not that big of deal, more than it feels like these gods are playing with me, having fun on my behalf. That is just unforgivable. Okay if it was a delusional- they were never here but they must have heard me, and they could have stopped it, i know, i know not their responsibility, it is never the gods  responsibility, never their problem, it is just me who is disturbed.
 
All that compelling presence, advices, the conversations were just from me. Fine! Lets move on, but the problem is that I still have to deal with these Gods, come to them, and I may get false advices/demands. Why? Why should I do this to myself. The way I feel now about these gods and myself who gets so easily tricked is just hate and anger. It is just not fair, that I should struggle like this, for what cause these malexxxgods wants it. If the male gods really wanna help me- then get out of my life. I was more happy as dianic only following the goddesses.  I suppose I could ruaway and refuse to have anything to do with them, but since this is an situation pattern that gets repeated every now and then, even if I change gods. So apparently there is a lesson to be learned here. Running way/getting ride of them doesnt solve anything either.  So I am stuck here. Okay lets look deeper on what really happens, to see where I go astray- I was drawing last week monday and tuesday of my trip, on tuesday suddenly I feel Cernunnus presence we talk, he suggest me to draw the green man and him. So I did I kept doing that all day long. At the evening I took a bath and then invoked him and meditated. On wedneysday I was walking much outside had much anxiety felt very confused invoked Odin in the evening, then Lugh in the night. It was very hard to hear and do anything that day. But I forced myself to be respectful and not scream at the gods.On thursday my panicattacks were even worser and at the evening but I called on Thor as i promised. We talked and I did some tarot readings. My stress and paniklevels are very high when i have too be with these gods.

Okay nothing bad happen I just got bad advices. I am so tired of this, having to deal with them. It is awful when I feel compelled. It felt the best with Lugh, but now I dont know. Life is too short to continue like this. It is so annoying to analyze everything too see if it is real or not. I  dont even care.I just wanna be alone with The Goddesses,  I do enjoy being with Lugh and Thor sometimes, but it is annoying when what i experience is not real, but yes I am happy to get the truth later on. I will focus on on my art and kundalini yoga. I miss going to the Goddess temple in Glastonbury. I have bought some cloth I will have on my wall  near my altar spaceto create a more positive, joyful atmospheare. I wanna move out to the country most of all to Glastonbury but that is impossible. I have tried to keep the positive joyful attitude about the Gods, Goddesses here, that I had in Glastonbury. In sweden I had to face my reality with my issues about everything, but that is life. Now of to the movie.

Comments

[jensurvivor]

It is common to feel that way after going traveling. If we lived where we had visited, our daily annoyances would follow us there also.

The reading said you were given bad advice from untrustworthy sources. For what reason do you take that to mean that your interaction with male Gods was delusional? Could the bad advice have come from another source? The first thing I think of was the woman you met in your travels, actually.

For what it's worth, I think you are working with male gods because there is a real reason for you to be doing it. I think it is good work for you to be doing. Otherwise you would be able to set it aside.

Enjoy the film.

[camillanightshade]

Hmm interesting, I didnt think about it like that. That bitch did say that experiences with the gods were an delusion something very unreal. The tarotreading could have meant that. Cause it felt very real and know I cant believe everything I hear cause I am prone to panic, but I am sure They were here. I feel much better about it now. Cause I can handle that it feels intense and strong which feels compelling when I panic. That may be a part of the lesson to be with them in a vulernable state like this. That is okay it was when I got that it was fake all of it I just feel so angry when I fear I may be delusional hallucinating again. it is one thing that not everything I hear is the truth, another thing that everything is an hallucination delusion.

[jensurvivor]

>it is one thing that not everything I hear is the truth, another thing that everything is an hallucination delusion.

I think you hit the hammer on the nail there. It can also be that the gods are speaking but you are not hearing or interpreting entirely correctly. Or of course it could be that the advice They are giving is not right for you right now.
Divination can be tricky ;)

[camillanightshade]

I think so too, it can be verý hard to tell.