camillanightshade: (Default)
Living with a cat have been awesome for me. Having a reason to get up in the morning. Someone that needs me. Picasso my Little baby was so needy, such a rascal. He Always made me smile. I was more into cleaning up, fixing stuff here. Of course he was annoying with biting me, hard to paint, do anything with him around. But it was so Worth it to have him here. Picasso has gotten a wonderful home on the countryside with in a small house, where he gets much bigger Place then I have to roam on, and there is a Little garden and he gets a new kitty friend. The couple who has him now, are home all Days retired from work so he gets as much attention that I gave him. The first Days were awful for me without him. I cried so much felt he must have thought I abandonen him. I hated my self and my shitty Life even more. It was awful that I dont have a bigger Place or no financial possibilities to have a cat. I am happy that Picasso is happy in his new home. I have a new kitty to take care of, She is about 5-6 years old. Very shy and afraid I cant touch her, come near her. She lived at the past home for 3-4 years but they didnt involve themselves in the cats. And shy scared cats needs to be socialized learn that all humans arent out to get them. It is a shame that those people didnt bother to make her more tame social. I mean she may never be a lapcat, but Learning her that some humans are nice, and enjoy being touched petted a Little bit they should have done. It will be my job now. She may be a stubbern Little kitty, but I am patient and are more stubbern. I really I will make it. She black with White chest, on paws and in the face. So adorable. Perhaps one day she will be sleeping in my arms, or atleast next to me, or Wakes me up in the morning for cuddle.

The past years depression and panicattacks have been hard and I felt like I have nothing less to live for- I cant travel no Money with so much debts it will take atleast 3-5 years Before I can afford travel again, that is like forever for someone as impatient as me. With my foot being still injured since september although I had pain from july when it got damaged. So life really sucks, I cant exercise,I cant bike or do much yoga. About a few weeks I will be able to do yoga and biking. I cant walk much, but it is getting better, it just take so long time, I have been binging a bit, I fear I wont be thin until next summer. My artcareer is more or less a complete failure. I had given up the struggle I dont Think I will be traveling for a very long time, No theraphy can change that, change the way Life is. It is hard to accept Life as it is. I have cursed the gods, my Life, this awful fate Destiny thousands of times the over the years. Been very suicidal from time to time. So yeah my Life sucks as it usually does. So bad at times I dont get why others struggle so hard to survive and settle for that. Oh well that is up to them, for me it is no Point in living with illness, live just to survive. be happy accept being poor no ability to travel, shopping alot. Not being able to exercise, not even Walking in the nature, very slow progress in getting better at art. Mindfulness is making it better for me to endure the suffering, this pointless Life. It is much also easier to deal with my issues. I feel I have trouble with getting involved in things like I am in a apathical mode at times. Were I feel nothing. It is just dark. it is pretty Close to mindfulness. I accept Life as it is. I accept my failures, my short comings, my limitations. I dont Believe The Gods Goddesses will make my Life much better. I guess it is hard for everybody, it is just painful to Think that 10-12 years ago when I was christo pagan I was just as miserable as I have been the past years. And for 6 years ago. I realize now it was too much to ask for from The Gods a full recovery from my illness which are chronical-depression anxiety panic attacks. I just dont deserve happiness, success it feels like it is so much struggle, so much pain. And no it certainly isnt Worth it. If the rituals and meditation being Close to the Goddesses didnt made me feel alive and well for just awhile I wouldnt do it. I love doing rituals and magic and Walking outdoors. I so hope and prey that I will be able to walk much soon. But it may not be Before spring.

The treatment at the hospital I had is over. The shrink say that they have no treatments for me at the other clinic. She dont see what I have as treatable meaning no meds no theraphy will help me more then what the yoga and mindfulness and exercise can. I cant say that I miss it. I know they cant help me, I know talking theraphy dont help much, neither does medication cause nothing can help one not feeling like a failure a loser, that ones Life is a complete failure. The shrink adviced me to get back to exercise and focus on getting a job i can handle. Then I wouldnt feel so miserable about Life. And continue with the mindfulness and yoga. I am doing all that and working on my art. It will feel better when I can exercise start loosing weight again. I am working on my art have made Goddess Morrigan Oracle guidance cards from the channelings I and Jen made the past years. There are much there that I had forgotten. I Think that it will help me alot, make me better and healthier. Now I have my new Little baby to care for. And on saturdays I will be Selling cat calenders for the catrescue organisation where I got the kitty from. I have gotten bags of food, sand and toys for her. And having a kitty to care for is the best way to stop me from commit suicide. Cause I would never ever abandonen a cat, or Another animal cause they are so depending on me, the person they live with. If feel I should keep trying get theraphy please try to understand that it feels humiliating to seek theraphy and being rejected over and over.
camillanightshade: (Default)
This is the first Samhain for serveral years I am not channeling. It felt panicy, I offered to do it if The Lady wanted it. At yesterday morning I brought up my fears, anquish with The Gods, what I fear they demand, not having enough offerings-I wanted to do much magic, spells. And usually I only have energy to honor The Goddess. Which means after I have honored the Male Gods I am so exhausted I go to sleep, not doing any spells and this makes me depressed. And I have trouble afford offerings and be in a good mood during sabbat rituals the past year. But this Samhain it was different and much cause of the mindfulness, that I dont hide away or supress my emotions, thoughts. And the Daily avalonian meditations I do is helping me feel connected and close to The Goddesses. I feel a bit more confident.

So I did serveral Samhain rituals, commune with the Goddesses and Gods, did my spells. In the Samhain ritual I did from the Celtic Dark Goddess Morrigan rituals from Stephanie Woodfield I called upon Dagda as well I have only done that on one summer ritual a few years ago. It was nice. I got much inspiration for fairyart, Goddessart, big cats are being urged to continue working on my art, I am also urged to do write poetry about my journey with Them. I am gonna do my own Goddess oracle cards and have some of the Morrigans Words from channelings on the cards. It was a very long time since I felt this good. I so hope that this new year will bring Health and happiness to me. I feel so grateful, I will be fine, the light(were I see depression and panicattacks as eterneral inner darkness) is within reach.
camillanightshade: (Default)
I havent written for a few weeks. Much cause of inner turmoil. Using the mindfulness is and will be very good one when my issues arent that bad. I am doing it twice a day cause the painful thoughts and emotions are so hard to deal with -the anxiety and panic issues. It is more manageble then to live and do stuff. The theraphy is triggering at times. Only 4 more Days of it, it ends at the 4 nov and then I will be seeing a shrink. Then they decide what further treatment i will get. I just wanna be free, get away from there. Once free I will never return. I dont feel free when I have to go there. But since it is volontairly so I am still free. Sometimes the rage is boiling in me and I prefere to not be there then. I supress it. Nothing I have Heard there isnt something I havent Heard or already knew. And the other Girls there are on medications I am not. I dont seem to be more sick then them more likely the opposite so my statement that medications is useless stands for itself. Or it can be that they are more sick then me and I with magic, rituals, yoga and now mindfullness get the same effect as they with medications. I also see why theraphysts shrinks sees me as quite healthy if I dont mention alot about my panicattacks suicidal thoughts. But it is nice to meet others who has the same issues as me. It is possible that some of them will continue have Contacts after the theraphy is over, if they want to be with me or not I dont know.

As Always when dealing with my issues a long time. I start to think that I have been way to kind, to sub´messive to other people especially those who has harmed me badly, I should have cursed them all. Make them suffer as I suffer. What good do I get for being such a good obediant witch. In this cruel Life people just walk all over you abuse you. To hell with them. Accepting Life as it is, accepting reality as it is hard, accepting ones limitations is so bad. How can anyone live like that and not wishing they were dead. Cause accepting Life as it is, accepting ones limitations is the same as giving up, cause one cant accept and struggle to get better, struggle to reach goals. But I hope I am very wrong. It will take a long time before i the anxiety panic anger issues are solved but with mindfulness and yoga i am getting there,


Oct. 10th, 2013 05:43 pm
camillanightshade: (Default)
At tuesday evening a straykitten. He seemed very lost, alone and skinny. I was unsure at first if he was just lost or abandoned. I took him in and then Went to the store getting kittyfood. I am calling him Picasso. He is about 6-10 months old, he is long but very skinny. Yellow reddish tabby. Very social, cute, playful and mischievious. I have put up notes everywere here were i live. i have put notes on the web for missing pets as well as on catrescue places. he is probably dumbed, it is so tragic it happens every year. Evil People get kittens then dumb them, when they are older, reach maturity or earlier. At first Picasso didnt seem to wanna go out, he does now. I hope he wont screaming to much. It can be hard to handle serveral Days without sleep. The sad thing is even as much as I love cats, I go crazy without sleep, and those cats have had here have all wanted be outdoors so I had to get them other homes with gardens. Walking in leash isnt for all of them. Letting them be alone here in a city never. Okay we have some green spots, but still there are way to many awful people here that harms animals, poison them etc.

I hope he will happy here, my new Little baby. About the name. I was at first into Calling him Loki, cool name or perhaps Thor. But I felt/fear Lugh would be upset that I choose some over him. I could have made an male version of the Goddesses names. It is too much to Think, and i really dont have any energy in dealing with that. Okay they may not care at all. But it will take a long time for I get that. I am enough anxious that cant use so much incense as offerings have herbs and stuff laying around that dangerous for kitties. That is a small adjustments same with oil colours-toxic and takes time to dry. I will make sure he cant get to those.

It was impossible for me to walk past the Little guy. I do what I can to make sure the cats are happy, give them good food, fun toys stuff they love to play with. They can go everywhere they wants. But I soon get a feeling that I cant have cats, they cant like it here. It is me who is the problem thats why they choose to be outdoors. I feel so lousy for it. It gives me much anxiety and panic. I hate myself. I can afford having a cat, just need to cut down on other stuff. Stuff I shouldnt eat/drink anyway like coke, redbull, sugar.


Jul. 30th, 2013 10:38 pm
camillanightshade: (Default)
I am sorry if I sounded odd or strange, sick in my last post. I didn't mean to be callous I care deeply about my friends and family, I just have trouble knowing what to say at times. The stones for schizophrenia are awesome. I feel more clear in my head. I will cast circle before communing with gods, do more banishing cleansing. I have a new Facebook account for rp, so far no one wanna at. Sadness. I am just feeling aloof now, did a mayor healing ritual or more likely I beseeched the Lady to help me deal with my shadows of the past. I love the goddess so much. I am grateful for support in fighting my inner demons.
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Since the Tuesday last week, I have lived at my sisters apartment cause she is on vacation visiting our dad. She will come home today. It has been nice to take care of the cats. I haven't done as much rituals and devotional stuff at this period. At first it felt like a great freedom to not do it, not feeling I have to do it. After a few days my anxiety was at its peak and I pleaded to the Goddesses. Everything was alright of course. So I decided to still do yoga and meditate every day. It has been very nice wheather so I have meditated and painted a lot in the woods in the past weeks. Last Sunday i came to a page of Loki fan fiction. At the morning I saw some video of the actor Tom Hiddlestone aka Loki had made an appearance at the San Diego comic con. I watched it over and over. I was thrilled. At the evening I read this fan fiction was so exited to read it. It was one of the worst, most brutal cruel stuff I ever read. Loki wasn't just a bit nasty bad boy as in avengers here he kidnapped some girl, and made them have sex with him, sometimes he raped them.

I got so panicky so scared. I couldn't barely breathe. Suddenly Loki was there. Sometimes he come to me uninvited just to enjoy my adoration of him. My hmm crush on his bad boy persona amuses him a lot. But at the Sunday night he was not dark prince charming more in my eyes more likely a sick perverted monster. So when he came to hug and kiss me as usual I had the fan fictions in my mind. It was like I was the target, his next victim. He tried to comfort me, but I don't know him well enough, too feel secure around him at my weakest moment and I had trouble seeing what's real or not. So begged him to not rape me, to not abuse me. I was shivering of deep fear. A fear I have for most men and gods. Loki said that if he wanted to rape me he would had done it already. I saw it as he would do it. I understand that he got annoyed it is not nice to get accused, and it is possible he hadnt understood how I am at my weakest most panicking moments. So he left, I could barely sleep, and of course I couldn't stop reading either. So I felt worse and worse.

At the Monday it was full moon, I did rituals, I beseeched the Ladies to help me, shield me, cause in my reality Loki was out to get me, and he would do the awful stuff I read about to me. Hadn't he already begun? I who always were so obsessed with him, dreamed about him... I felt better after the moon rituals, doing the protection rituals. There isn't much better cure for my fear and panic then that. I was assurred that Loki wouldn't be able to harm me. The next day I went to the woods, I picked many herbs did several meditations communed with the Ladies. At the morning I had gotten a request from Thor to do a devotion ritual to him at the Ale Stones.

At Wednesday I went to the stones, did a ritual for Him, offered orange juice. I meditated and Loki came to me as well. I felt Thors arms around me so I could remain calm enough to talk to him. And as always when I feel very vulnerable anxious I apologize a lot , so I did that and I explained why I freaked out. He said he had gotten surprised with my reactions. And wasn't aware that I would get so scared of something I read. I was like I can't stop thinking about the stories, I fear that is gonna happened to me. He saying he never do that buti didnt really believe him. So he turned and said like if I really thought Thor, Morrigan, Lugh and other gods would let him near me if he had any evil intentions? Was my faith and trust in my gods so low? I was like of course not. I said do anything to make it good between us again.

Then I painted a few paintings of devotional to Thor. When I was finished Loki said do some paintings of me. You said you do anything,.. this is what I want. So i did that. After that I danced around the stones. Took a long walk before I got home. I felt much better, more free. I realized I was safe. Yesterday I painted and communed with Lugh as I had done at sunday in the woods. I feel more and more close to him, these past week the sunlight and warmth has been more important like the shadows and fears panic in my mind gets less strong less power over me in the sun. It feels good to have a healthy relationship with sun god. I feel that he more fond of me and cares more about me. I feel like I get some inspiration and guidance from him as well. I am fully aware all I hear is not valid but it feel so good to be out there in the sun and paint or meditate. I am much with the Goddesses as well. I got some ideas to stories by Loki where I change from being afraid victim to someone who beats/kills the giants, I couldnt stop fantasize about it a bit. I may write it, it could be an awesome way kicking demons, giants or whom ever the wicked targets are. A note I dont know anything about jotuns, haven't bothered to read it. But from the avengers, Thor movies and fan fiction the view is that they are pure evil. In a way it's like you thought lucifer fallen angels and vampires were bad their are almost saints in comparison. Yes I am aware that most of the gods, goddesses I worship have been called that and worse. I ment in regular fiction movies. Lucifer mean light bringer, he/she is the evening star and morning star a status Jesus as well as Diana has so it is not impressive or scary. But in fiction lucifer and demons aren't so
nice. Cause they kill directly and jotuns torture and rape, and freeze everything in the movies and fan fiction at least. I apologize if I am crushing any toes with this post.
camillanightshade: (Default)
Okay, okay I have been eating sandwiches, a piece of chocolate today. At Friday I had 2 pieces of cake and a piece of chocolate when my aunt and onkel came and visited. I allowed myself to eat and have coke cause i have lost 20 lbs(9kg. I can have one size smaller in leggings and tops/t shirts. Earlier it was XXL now it is XL. So it is a good start. I feelo awful that I have eaten so much one shouldnt eat when is dieting although comparing to my old eating it is very little. But tomorrow I will work very very hard at the gym. Now it is enough with celebrating-eating or feeling eating/drinking. Now It is just sytrict diet until I reach 90kg then after that to 70kg which is my goal. It is a long way until i get to 90kg. But I will make it. I am concerned of the stuff Cernunnus triggers cause they make everything harder. It is lovely I wanna be outdoors, I wanna exercise at the gym and that is what i am gonna focus on. It is just hard to even get outside. This is a bad time to triggered cause now it is much worse if I dont go outside. Feeling like I am waisting away the summer. The need to go out in the sun is strong. I realize others may not see it like that. They may see it as a good time for me to be triggered with the voices, hallucinations panicattacks cause my will to exercise and walk in the forest, paint in the forest is what drives me further, it is at its peak the strongest now. But to see the anxiety issues, be tormented by the hallucinations voices as something good. No way. But sure it can be seen as a way of me getting back my powers, taking charge of my life. Being in controle although the insanity with voices and hallucinations are all from abuse rules me, but I fight it. All these pressure gives me so much anxiety panic so triggers these hmm dont expect me to grateful or happy for it. Cause I hate it and I hate you. Cause it isnt too much to ask to have a few years without pain misery, no cruel gods who think they know whats best for me pushing things up to surface over and over. At the end of the road not many gods is going to be there, It will be very few I follow. Some of them cant leave me soon enough.

In a way I have already given up. It feels like it is never ever gonna be better the gods are just cruel, triggering pushing me. But nothing ever really get better. Perhaps it can work with Cernunnus cause he sure is hard enough to do it, and dont care enough to bother about how I feel. Perhaps joy and happiness is nothing I am allowed to have a longer time. Who decides that? Who decides how much joy, fun, happiness I am allowed to have? I am screwed. I dont care about what they say or do. I live my life as I wish. If it bothers any of them, screw em. Just leave me alone.
camillanightshade: (Default)
Last night I dreamed about the bullying girls from my school. I dreamed about it again this morning. Not exactly the same dream though. In the dream we worked together, then we had pizza. I remember we walked through the forest, I conronted them. Why did they bully me? Who gave them the right to do that? What made them think they were better than me? The leader girl said only we were selfish dumb kids. The others just laughed, annoying as they were I ignored them. I was mostly interested in talking to the leaderbully. I pressured her about some of the worst happenings to me caused by her. She was silent a long time I was pissed and anxious. She said I can tell you i am sorry, that I regret it. Do you believe me ? Does that change anything? Will that erase the memories? I said, no it wont. It is just words. What is done is done. Nothing can erase that. I wonder one thing she said then why do you care more about what I say then the others. I said cause I wanted to be your friend, be accepted. For years I tried, I hoped, but no, never. I was just someone for you too torture. Something ugly disqusting that shouldnt be allowed to live. The others did what you did, you , you were the worst as was Linda. If it would end my pain I kill you all. The leaderbully Mia smiled I know you would why do you think I wanted the others to come as well? i didnt have the courage to face you alone. For what its worth you are more successful in your art then I ever was I havent done anything since highschool.

Then I woke up. I thought it may be like this if i would really meet and confront them. I doubt I would be able to remain calm at all. Or that they would be able to be kind, or listen to me. In other dreams I have had about these bullies are that they bully me to death or that I kill them like carrie did. It felt like a hmm more mature/sane way to deal with it in the last dream. Not the saying I kill you all if I could though. Anyway I have thinking about the demons in the hallucinations, they are just a face of my abusers, bullies, evil men etc. Well then it makes more sense that Cernunnus would push these hallucinations voices towards the surface. That is good but since it has happened before and it hasnt changed anything. I dont see the point of it but maybe the dream shows there is progress being made, no one got killed or harmed. I confronted them without breaking down, was understood listened to. Perhaps our souls met on the astralplane. I dont know, I am not brave enough to call contact them. I think I said to The Lady I do it, but I have chickened out afraid of being more hurt. Even if they wouldnt do anything, i be so nervous all bad memories would come back. I havent even friended them on facebook. I am hidden, gone as i wanted. So no one would find me. Part of me fear they would start bullying again or just laugh, from them not much is needed for me to see it as an attack. It would be different if I truly was someone, I was a very successful or a famous person then they be jealous I had something to show. Now I am just a fat, ugly, pathetic looser, like they used to call me. The few accomplishments I have had arent much worth in their eyes, or in mine. I would want them to be so ashamed, so embarresed, have filthy miserable life and crawl back under the rocks or where they came from.
camillanightshade: (Default)
Now at saturday, I have begun to feel worse again. I have gotten my period too, done some healing and banishing as well. I have spoken to Morgana Lady of Avalon about it. Cause I realize this thing with Cernunnus is something that will come back. I saw it a little bit last year. But it wasnt so violent. it worse this year or more likely I am in the core of it. It seems like Cernunnus is trying help me like this. That is sweet, but the pain, voices, panicattacks it causes me, well... I never asked for this, i never wanted this. It is a nightmare. But I will take a few weeks now build myself up again. I dont see this as a neccessarry part of my life, journey. It is more like a torture where he enjoys harming me. Okay I did managed to fight pretty good, but since he seem to be undestructable. it ends with him chases me to death. After this even if I may have gotten away. I am shaking, panicing the voices are so bad. For that he deserves nothing but my hate and anger.

It is seems like powermagic and being out in the sun helps. It is just hard to get out when I feel like this. I feel worser those days. Ignoring those visions fantasies where we faught is impossible. I will break free, I will be free from this tyrant. I hope to be free from the voices and panicattacks as well one day. It is hard to suffer this much. So when people say like a healthy life one life to hundred, i am like eh i dont wanna suffer like this for more then 60 years, hell no. I rather drop dead right away. but as always I have no say in my own life about that. just accept the pain, voices, anxiety panicattack issues. So sick. I suppose that when Cernunnus feel it is enough he let me kill the demons. I would loose my fears, anxiety then. That sounds good, but to get there, all this struggle may not be neccessarry. It may be just some twisted fun for him to torment me like this. That sounds more logic, then this is only way for me to heal. Yes I have much rage within. I do enjoy watching stupid shows like charmed ones and angel, cause of the figths, fighting demons. It is nice so it is not that far Cernunnus may use the shape of a demon if he want me to fight for my life. Cause it is pretty far from sparring. Even with odin who usually kicks me down quickly i know all the time it is just for fun. mostly anyway. It very rare. It is most fun to spar with The Morrigan cause She is so wonderful and afterwards we roll around on the grass and just laugh. She hugs me tight. It was hard to fight with loki he flirts so much and I got distracted by he pretty face all the time. So I suppose i dont learn anything there, I cant help it. That amuses Loki alot. Why not who doesnt like someone who follow you like a dog... With Cernnnus in this roleplay as demon there is no time to be distracted and he is brutal, ugly and really mean. I suppose it would be better if I could manage to get calm enough to talk to him afterwards or a few days later. And if the frickin voices and panicattacks would stop accelerate. They werent effected, hopefully one day it will happen.
camillanightshade: (Default)
After being silent for serveral weeks Cernunnus talked to me at monday. And he questioned why I hadnt done so much art- the endangered animals paintings. I just responded that I have done my best but, it just wont get any better so i have taken a shorter break from it. He didnt seem to be pleased with the answer. So i was like I can do it today. So i did that and at tuesday as well. Same blocks as earlier. I asked him to either remove the blocks or stop pressuring me. Nothing happened. I went to exercise at the gym later. When I got home my mind wandered off. I was in some waisteland. Cernunnus was there and looked more scary we argued then he turned into a demon and a battle for my life begun. A tall demon came towards me, we started to fight. I used witchcraft, fireballs, swords, everything I could think of to destroy him. He just shock it of, as it came closer it turned back to cernunnus. It was a scary eperience and if one scares the shit out of me like that I am not in mood of being friendly buddies afterwards. He doesnt seem to get that and staying with me all the time. it was a nightmare cause he is an attacker in my eyes and see scenes in my mind where we are fighting all the time.

I refused to hunt him as a deer, I couldnt. I cant put myself 'to kill an animal even if it is a god i hate or are angry at. That amused him. once I called him Bambi he was like are you thumper?. it was fun. In this demon disquise or as a man I have no problem beating him even tried to kill him. But he is way more dangerous like this no funloving nature dude. But this week it was so unexpected we haven been fighting or even arguing since may. And roleplaying the enemy in my fantasies and hallucination without letting me know before. And after that we have been getting along well for a few months, I i had believed it was all good and nice, calm. it is so rude to do this, it was very scary, and triggered the voices and panicattacks. Once they are triggered it takes weeks sometimes months before it eases. So doing that to me, is way too cruel.

On wednesday it was like thousands of these demons to fight, I just felt like I cant take it anymore. Cernunnus wanted to keep doing this and refused to leave I called on The Morrigan beseached her to free me rom the torment and keep him at bay. i coulod feel her picking me up carrying me away. I clinged on her and felt better and more free the next day.

I have fought with others before, with gods i get beaten much but, it hasnt felt like a fight on life or death. It has been more amusing. Okay since the gods/Goddess laughs usually it is more of fun moment. I have dreamed that I have fought demons, i killed them all. But this roleplay/shapeshifting with Cernunnus was so new to me so unprepaired that it was scary. I have called him the devil a couple of times when he has been a real jerk, as I have done to almost every other God and Goddess I have followed. The execptions has been the lighter Ladies like Virgin Mary, Brigid, Artemis, or Thor, Loki and Hecate. It is more of a way to hurt or annoy the god, goddess. It is childish and stupid. Some gods are more offended by it then others. I dont believe there is a big bad source of all evil like a devil, although I am sure there are demons or should I say less kind spirits. I really dont care what exists or dont. I can protect myself and I know the Goddesses are doing that too. That is what matters to me.


Jul. 6th, 2013 10:09 am
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I am so annoyed. My plans are being ruined all the time. I dont have patience with annoying people. The bus didnt come so i could get to the woodlands. They are working on the roads at the nearby city. So it is hard to get there without the bus. I will go to other nature places next week. I just have no patience for when my plans get ruined. When other people are causing it i get furious. I dont care if My anger is justified or not. I know it doesnt help to get pissed , angry. That is the way it is. The new little furball Lancelot is much joy for me. I have been catsitting him à couple of now. He is so fun to watch. So sweet that my anger and frustration melts away. We find him little to alone many hours in row. We are teaching him that little by little. That doesnt bother me so much to watch over him. Way worser when others ruin my plans like job i have gotten 2 hours a week. For à mentally disabled woman. She is like toddler or less even if she is over 40. She really take more patience to handle than i have. It is annoying to be working at all. I wanna write alot about her, nothing positive. It is mean cause she cant help it. It isnt fault, i am just not fit for that. I have much more patience for animals. I have applyied for jobs as dogcaregiver. Dogwalker, that would be great to get. This week it has been à lesson of patience and controle anger. It really gets to me to not have sweets.
camillanightshade: (Default)
It has been a very intense weekend. At Thursday I did a ritual to The Morrigan. That was nice havent felt Her so much, only Lugh mostly. On friday I celebrated the midsummer first with my mum and sister. then at the evening i did the SummerSolstice rituals in the evening I also did it on the saturday. On friday evening Lugh said he wanted me to be dedicated to Him as his (witch or priestess, not sure), i was unsure of what it meant. On the saturday I went to hills of Brosarp. I did some rituals I communed with the Gods. It was only Lugh I heard a bit, if I was dedicated to him, he would care more about me, put more effort in helping me with my art, wellbeing, then wrote down my fears thoughts about it. What I was capable of doing, what I refused to do.

At the evening I did more Summersolstice rituals. It was great, I asked about more information about what Lugh wanted. I didnt hear much, more then the Goddesses were silent, it was my choice only. The tarot readings was blurry but my fears and doubt was also strong. So it was hard to see which was which. I was like I cant dedicate myself to you right away. I need time. I brought up my doubts fears and said the past weeks when I felt his presense more intense my issues had gotten worser. I am not saying it is connected but what says it isnt. I got a feeling he wasnt too pleased with my responses. At the night I dreamed about Him. That was very nice.

I did call on Lugh and Cernunnus meditated on both saturday and súnday morning this week. Usually it is only on sundays I do that. Yesterday I was more aware of what he wanted. It was give me a year of where I will live as I am already his witch without vows. So if it feels good I am his for life after next Summer Solstice. This will change my life a bit, be more with Lugh 3-4 times a week. Mostly painting and outdoor walks. It feels calmer, meaning I knew something was going on, something was requsted and asked of me. But since I didnt really knew what, I had so much anxiety and panicattacks. it is possible Lugh tried to comfort me, but too much attention can have the opposite affect especially if I dont feel like I can be honest, speak up or someone wanna shape me after their wishes. I took a long walk in the woodlands and it became more clear after a while. I saw a crow, then another one then a third one. They all flew toghter, I had earlier asked the Goddess for sign. (we dont have many ravens here but many crows and rooks. At the evening I did the fullmoon rituals. I would had wished i have had more energies to do more rituals and spells. But I did more rituals invoking the Morrigan then I usually do an whole year. It did feel like was with Morgana too little but that is just me, cause I am usually mostly with Her.

A good thing with being much with MaleGods is that I am more active in doing rituals and such to connect to the Goddess. More active in my own life. It is easy for me to be passive.
camillanightshade: (Default)
So what can I do to be more strong, powerful incharge of my life. Shape myself, live my own life.

Stand up for myself at all times

Do chakra yoga even i it is much pain, I get stronger after a few months.

Continue the avalon healing. so happy new meditation healing on sunday these past two weeks it has been about confronting the darkness, the destructive parts of my facing my shadowself. it is five different meditation five stages of healing cycle, it shifts every two weeks.

I could also do more magic, build myself up that way, connect to Her like that. I so miss the Goddess. I can use that space too be stronger.

Work on my art, but not all the time do what Cernunnus or Lugh wants, do my own thing as well. It really isnt all about them. It is my art, my life. This may sound ungrateful but I really i am tired of being silent, be a good girl, submessive do as they wish. Really it doesnt take me anywhere, It is just going in circles. Meaning my pain, illness wont go away, I dont get any success. The only one that are happy are They, but i suppose that is the important thing right. I know it is me who is the problem, has the issues. I just have trouble with living as submessive, be as they want me, it makes me binging and passive. That is how I see it anyway. Or maybe I have gotten the old feelings i once had with Michael and I have had with other gods as well that I am unable to live life alone, i need/want someone to take care of me. Cause I cant take care of myself. And I attract those that wants to take care of me. I suppose I could still be friends with them even if I am not submessive.

I do feel much rage, especially when stuff dont go my way, when people are being mean to me, push me around. Also when people wants more from me then I am able to give.

I get way to easy crushed stuff, I need to be better at protect myself. So I wont be so easily broken. I need to do more effort to get healthy if I get more sick i get more medications that will make me gain weight. It is hard to walk much now, all the hours in gym are sometimes a waiste. I shouldnt give up so easy. If I could just stop eating sugar as She wants it would be easier next i crave I will pray to Her, do some yoga. Hoping I remember it.
camillanightshade: (Default)
This is an update on my spiritual life, lifes journey, not so much progress but more of where I am right now. I feel that I am a bit obsessed with some gods and I feel/fear our relationship be. It helps me to write. Although it is all about Loki now. But since the love, hate, suffering, neglect is something i have felt with serveral gods, the depth of it w is variable. And yes most of it is based on my own fears, fantasies, desires. I have never been enslaved, beaten the crap out of. Although I have been put through journeys that have and are making me feel enslaved- where the pain is so bad that i am unable to function without Him/Her telling me what to do. It eases the pain if I do as I am being told-mostly go out in the sun, paint, draw, exercise, stuff I wanna do. That is all good it may even be me tell myself that. I see the stories as a way to experience things in a way I never ever allow to go through with in real life. I never thought my pain misery would come up, as I wrote about the love, my feelings or more like my pain after Michael and Thor came up, unrequited love, obsession, neglected- they didnt love me as I love them, no one does. I have also had some passion desires for darker ones. With Loki I experienced it in the story. My obsession with him is smaller now. I have listen to much sad lovesongs like tony braxtons no me without you, i shall never breath agan, the weakness in me, how could an angel break my heart. sad depressive songs.

The curse of Morrigan made me think of stuff, yes I am most likely one of those passive ones pushed to the walls. I let it happen cause the panikattacks are already so strong. I feel dont go along with those pushing me, shaping me would make the pain , panic attacks worser. I told the Lady that. She showed me some stuff, how those who pushed me to the walls they surround me, and that She was outside it. She called on me so strong, I got filled with desire that I faught to get free. So I could come to Her. It made me so sad I couldnt come to her cause of shadowbeings were in the way. or It was I rather chose confinement instead of facing more pain, I just go along with everything, if gods say something it doesnt sound bad i do it. If people around me want something, say something I agree to it. It is like I have lost my own voice and will with the MaleGods. They are everywhere, all the time, if I dont argue they are kind to me...

The Morrigans respond was you are mostly alone, they come once a week as agreements, other time they let you know that they are around. Make you go out in the sun, which is one very healthy thing you do. I see, I suppose since they are here I must be nice and devoted to them... otherwise they may turn on me, harm me, take away stuff. They are dangerous. It is too much they want from me. It makes me binging.

Yes I have noticed that. None of them can force you or take away stuff from you. It is all in your mind. Perhaps this vision helped you earlier but not now. You say you yearn for Me, You want to be with me. So how can you make this happen. how long are you gonna allow others use you, shape you after their wish. Where is your own power, strength...

Today I woke up feeling better. I dont know how to deal with the Gods, it is hard to put my foot down, when they are kind to me. But She did say that I am mostly alone, so I suppose it means that I the sense, feelings of them being here, wanting my attention is from me. I did put an end to to 2 weeks ago, then I got too much panic attacks a few days when Cernunnus, Loki and Lugh came I didnt have guts to say anything or even stand up for myself. And it is easier to be with loki then others which makes me feel guilty for not being with them just as much. I should be more willing but it seems like I give up my life.

I dont need to ask anyone for permission, I do as I want. They arent the boss over me. I will try to remember that the maleGods has no right to tell me, what to do, push me around. it is a bit hard it is the their time of the year. Summer solstice and all. i feel I should be more obediant do as they say. Perhaps I get more good stuff and feel better. But according to Her curse it wont work that way. I am sure there is a middle way. Where I am strong and powerful, they respect it. I suppose I dont think MaleGods allow that, they dont like humans to be strong be powerful. If I get strong, they destroy me, break my will. These thoughts I have had for all MaleGods i met and been with. It is possible it is just my fears, my way of seeing things cause I have been through much shit in life. It is easier to accept it, accept that I am nothing, I aint gonna get anything out of life, i am only to be used.I am a servant, a lousy servant. i hate that word it is just as bad as slave, serf. I dont wanna be servant, slave, serf. so I wont be that anymore. I am a witch i answer only to the Goddess. Some Gods are gonna be so pissed. Or may not.
camillanightshade: (Default)
It is almost year since my old buddy, My cat Pontus died. I still think about him, sometimes I sense him. He will live forever in our hearts. I have helped my mum getting a new kitten. It is a Ragdoll kitten. It is looks similar to holy Birma, but are more calm docile. Birmas can be a bit moody. I have felt Pontus and I are similar in temperaments, we are both moody and unsocial. lol. Anyway it has been a blessing to follow this new kitty from his birth, been getting updates and pictures every week. In a way it is like I have observered life and death. My old friend Pontus that we grew old, so old and sick that his body one couldnt make it anymore. One life ends, another one begins. I followed my mum to get the new kitty yesterday. Mum is so happy now over this little one. He is adorable. He is 12 weeks now was born at the Ostara. I know, why buy a kitten from a breeder when they are so many homeless cats. It was my mums choice to get a kitten from a breeder. There are no kitten mills in scandinavia so the cats are being borned and live in the family. Lancelot is the name of this little babycat.

My mum took first a large kitten about 8 months old, from a shelter in february. But he was very wild. He was unhappy to be indoors, he wasnt tame so unpossible to pet. We have no garden and in the city is not safe to let cats be out, to many evil people there. And it is pretty cruel to lock the cats indoors if they want to be out. So a catshelter helped mum find a home for the cat on the countryside with other cats, a large garden. He is happy there. Part of me feel my mum gave up too fast. He did keep her up all nights those 4 days she had him. But I know how she is, she wants to be able to hold and pet the cat right away. A feral cat that havent been around humans much, been socialized is not right for her. I knew that, but she wanted to try. Atleast she tried and paid for neutering(She had planned to have him) so it was easier for the little guy to get a new home. She was depressed after that experience with the feral cats. We all hoped he get a good home, and after being in a shelter for a few months he came to a home with a huge garden and another cat he could have as buddy so he would be a happy outdoor as well indoorcat as he wants. I know my mum should have tried getting another cat from a shelter but was anxious they just crying all night, not like it at her place. But i am happy it seem to be working with this new kitty Lancelot. It does make my heart sad to think of all cats that needs a home. Atleast now my mum wont calling me every day and be so sad, anxious, annoying all the time. For my taste these Ragdoll kitten are to mellow docille. I like it when they are mischievious, destroy things, the more the better. They should have strong will. That isone of the things i loved the most about Pontus he was so strong willed, it should be his way or no way at all. It wasnt possible to boss him around. If some tried he attacked. But who know this little guy Lancelot may be just as mischiewious as Pontus was. he is so adorable, but which cat isnt.


Jun. 5th, 2013 02:12 pm
camillanightshade: (pic#730542)
I have been sick now a few days. Been vomiting and have awful headache if migraine. I am very exhausted. I think it some caused by my emotional mental state digestion problems and some other physical issues. For me and many i it is like that. Anyway I have just started doing healing avalonian meditation-souljourneys. They are powerful. I havent used it in my past as much as I should have, sometimes I think and talk more about stuff then actually doing it. I have for a long time felt much pressure and pain above my chest, around my neck throat. (there is no physical problems, i have checked it out) Feel like I have some rope or collar around that almost strangles me. Since it is the are below and around my throatchakra it has something to do with that. I do have trouble with making myself hear, feel respected for my thoughts ideas. Often I get ran over by others, gods as well as humans. creativity problems- typhical throatchakra issues. I also saw myself I was bloody and filled with wounds around my throatchakra. Earlier I have always seen I have huge chains there. I do have pain in my belly, and back at times-solarplexus for innere strength and confidence. Which I feel I have none, I just submeet, fight in vain. The others always win may it be gods or humans. In the avalonhealing book there are questions for each chapther. This month it is to meet the issues underlying problems. Which has made me think alot. Why do I allow these destructive behaviour rule me? Why do i let these person take my power? Why do I get so sad, angry, shame, feel remorse around some people, gods. Not all feeling on the same person, or god. It isnt so much the gods. That is being processed.

I ask Cernunnus and Lugh to only come once a week to me. I cant handle more right now. I will work on website, do art serveral times a week. And be with them in the sun outdoors their energies and presence feels less strong then. When i call on them often at home they feel very strong, possessive and demanding which makes the destructive in me take over, it is very triggering. And it is doesnt matter if it is from me or them since I cant do anything butbinging which makes me sick sooner or later. So I guess what I am trying to say is/which I will tell them is that I need them back off a bit, I am fine with meditating in the sun and seeing them once a week. I will work on my art and the website. I need to feel free, be free, be in charge of my life if I am ever gonna heal.
camillanightshade: (Default)
I have started the website for endangered animals artgallery. i will have some info on each animal and my art of the animals. So I have much work ahead of me for a very long time, before i can publish it. I do this work with Cernunnus. I think the point of me doing this, any kind of work with Him this is probably to make me focus on something else then indulge in my sensual fantasies that makes me very passive, stay indoors and makes Him to be a jerk of using my vulnerability. Cause even if it all really comes from me, it is so strong I cant fight it, get away from it. But with Him making me focus on other stuff like my art. And that He clearly demands me doing this artgallery. I must say it honors Him to not use me take advantage of the situation seduce me, make these fantasies real. Yes I admitt I thought a sexual God like Him would do it. I should say that I assumed that from all MaleGods and some Angels I have met. It has been much variables on how much it happens. It seems like most of it all is in my head. And in these fantasies I am so vulnerable, so lovesick, so submessive. Like I have no will or strength of my own. I exist only to please and be used. When I was younger still looking for love, thought I found it on these nightclubs went home with these strange men. I just got used and dumped, no one cared or even wanted to see me again. I tend to get these obsessive fantasies about the MaleGods when I am needy, in trouble or want to achive something-where my payment is my body not just the soul.

I think it is about some low´selfeasteam and selfhate issues. Like I am of such low worth, that I am only to be pleasing, the gods toy with me, have their fun with me. But my life wont get any better, quite the opposite it is like it flushes down the drain, such a waiste. A huge part of this is in my relationship with Lugh too. This makes me suicidal and depressed when I givin into the fantasies. I dont want either of them, but I think and believe they want me and I should be available and pleasing to them if i ever want anything accomplished in life, if dont wish to live on the streets.

I am hoping that with being more outdoors, not give in to the obessive fantasies. Focus on my art, exercising. I will get healthier, be more successful. It seems like Cernunnus is pushing me in that direction. I think Lugh is too. Perhaps one day I would have more healthy images of MaleGods. That doesnt matter to me, but probably to them. It sure would nice to not be this vulnerable, this submessive. Why it seems to work better Cernunnus then Lugh is that I have no good expectations, I have no hopes, wishes. I have no dreams of him making my dreams come through. I do hear both Lugh and Cernunnus pretty well but my distrust is so big, that I dont believe it. I have another one, a friend, I may ask for clarification, too understand things. I trust him more these past years, then earlier. Sometimes He is willing to help me out.
camillanightshade: (Default)
I am so relieved. I was so anxious that my money wouldnt be enough for my rent and my bills. What if Cernunnus would teach me a lesson for my disrecpectfulness... make me homeless. Yesterday after I wrote the last blog, I was very panicy called upon Him and apologized alot. I biked to a park sat down in the sun meditated or awhile it was nice until some annoying idiot came and begged for money, the idiot didnt wanna leave me alone. I was so close to smacking him. Then a jehovas witness lady came, asked carefully... I was like i have my own gods, you have yours, so beat it. She left quickly. People are so annoying. I hate it when strangers like that approach me outdoors, they never have something clever to say grrr.

Last night Cernunnus came to me in a dream, He told me, that He would never do anything to make me homeless. I remember starring at Him frightened, unable to move. He just picked me up and carried me around for awhile. I was very shaky. He spoke softly-dont remember what felt better when I woke up. I checked out my account on the bank on my computer and my money had come and my bills were payed. I was so happy, so grateful and relieved. I was online for awhile. Then I did my morning ritual. I fell in trance Cernunnus hugged me, I didnt do anything but smiling carefully,( I was pretty submessive) perhaps He really just wanna be my friend or just assurring me everything is alright between us, could be both. It felt good. I feel inspired to paint endangered cats again, i never really stopped just took a break from it. And that is something He want that I actually love to do.

life sucks

May. 30th, 2013 11:17 am
camillanightshade: (Default)
I am bad shape, so stressed out. I am so frustrated, so pissed and angry. Been to 3 jobinterview, traveling to get there, be calm, interesting and nice to get the jobs. And waiting for hours at the unemploymentsoffice to get the trips payed then to deliver the papers bus/train tickets. I feel i cant deal with it. I abuse redbull and energydrinks to make it. These past weeks I have used so much I cant function without it. I am getting of it now, it doesnt help anymore either. Always when i had serveral stressful days I feel The Male Gods to demand my attention to come to them, be with them. I suppose it is no harm in that. It is just that I wanna be alone, stop bothering me, stop demanding, just leave me alone I wanna say but I know it is wrong of me to say that. Cause I am supposed to be available all the time. I just cant deal with it. I have tried to talk to them, explain it. But it is like they refuse to see it from my point of view. They are right and I am wrong it feels like that. I apologize alot and do as they want. Hate myself ten times more.

Last weekend at the fullmoon I used the ritual from Stephanie Woodfields book the Dark Goddess Morrigan along with the other avalonianrituals, after that I did a beltane ritual from the book. It was great, I also did some spells. I really do the rituals at esbats and sabbats and do the morning rituals and yoga i feel The Goddesses are letting me of the hook. Okay when I feel this frustrated and worned out it is hard to do the morning rituals, but I do my best. But good luck in making Lugh and Cernunnus do the same. Cause it seems like the feel that I am never enough with them, atleast what they request of me is way to much. Being with Them every day is too much. Yes it would feel better if I actually got something out of it, like success in my art, more energy. But no, not in this life, not for me.

Okay I get that They wanna help me, get to know for some reason. Lugh says he wanna helpout with my art. Which is great, but to get there to the point where i actually get help, are getting something good of life. I am not even close, cause they are so demanding, be with them all the time and be in good mood. Impossible. Just the sight/feeling of them getting close, approaching me make me scream leave me alone, get away from me inside. I realize they heard it and appologize. It feels like I am being watched all the time. It feels like everything i say or do or feel is being judged and may be confronted cause of it. Which makes me stressed, anxious even suicidal. I apologize alot. My life is getting no where. It just aint gonna get better, cause there is something very angry rebellious within me who refuses to obey, refuses to back down do anything the gods say. Which means there is no blessings or stuff for me to get from the gods.I dont care, I deserve better then living like this. Having to be with these pushy demanding gods. ohh crap, now i probably must apologize to the gods for writting this.
camillanightshade: (Default)
I Was supposed to channel last night. I was feeling weird focused on my art, As the evening turned into night I was very tired. I did meditate and called upon Her. I went to channel but it didnt go, The Morrigan didnt push Her self through either, I passed out. When I woke up an hour before dawn. I called on The Morrigan and channelled. It was awesome tobe ith Her, talk to Her, hear Her, be with Her.I love Her so much. I got some great advices on how to use the dbt app, dbt skills, when too use it, among other stuff. I felt Her love so strong, and i know she is very patient with me8there are stuff i havent accoplished, or come any further in).


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